Future Ted: The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.

Future Ted: The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.
Waiter: Morning, guys! What can I getcha?
Lily: Shhhhh..... bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.
Waiter: For you, sir?
Ted: Uggh.... gravy.
Waiter: Do you want that gravy on something?
Ted: ...Surprise me.
Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!
Lily: What are you so chirpy about?
Ted: She's still drunk from last night.
Robin: I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!

Guard: Did you enjoy [Looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam?
Marshall: [Nervous] No? Nothing illegal. Some paintings...
Guard: Alright Bob Marley. [Takes Marshall's backpack] Let's have a conversation! [another guard enters, coughing and eating a bag of chips.]
Replacement Guard: Shift change! [First guard leaves; new guard looks at Marshall's passport] Amsterdam? Alright! Float on through, brother!

Marshall: [Current day] Miracle!!!!!
Season 4

Jefferson van Smooth: Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!
Marshall: His wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!

Kara: [talking about Lily] You should sue her.
Brad: Oh, yeah? On what grounds, Kara?
Kara: On the grounds of... shut up! [She drinks from a beer bong and then spits alcohol everywhere.]
Future Ted: That's our Attorney General.

Lance Hardwood: [taps keys] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.

Ted: That really looks like our apartment.
Barney: It is. Oh, I should return these. [gives flat keys back to Ted]

Lily: [about Ted's boss, who has designed a building resembling a penis] I can't believe how Mr Druthers treats people, and that building? Talk about overcompensating.
Ted: He's not usually this bad. It's just that his partners have made it clear that this project is make or break for us, so lately, he's been testy. [Lily and Robin smirk] You know what I mean, crotchety. [Lily and Robin begin to laugh] I'm just saying, it's been hard on him. [Lily and Robin laugh harder] All right, stop.
Robin: Did you show Lily your design?
Ted: No.
Lily: What design?
Ted: It's nothing.
Robin: It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design, and it doesn't look at all like male genitalia...at least, not healthy male genitalia.
Lily: You should pitch your building to Druthers.
Ted: Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers! He's a legend -- I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm, so it's important that we don't blow it. [Lily and Robin collapse laughing] All right, enough!

Lily: [to Marshall] At tomorrow's game, if you're anything less than a teddybear stuffed with cotton-candy and rainbows, I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground. You will think the time I found your Internet search history was a picnic.

Lily: [to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?
Ted: I had the most... amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."
Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."

Lily: [Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Lily: [whispers to Marshall] I almost blurted out that Barney used to date Robin.
Quinn: Barney used to date Robin?! [Lily and Marshall are surprised]

Lily: Fort Lager Dale, get it?
Marshall: Minne Cider, get it?
Lily: Aspen Yards Ale, get it?
Marshall: Actually, no.
Lily: Me neither. I was hoping you would.

Lily: Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: [stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
[Camera pans to show Ted is in the room]
Ted: Guys... BOUNDARIES!

Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.
Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.
Lily: [waits a few seconds] I think I know how to get us in. Follow my lead. [walks to the front of the line and flashes the bouncer]

Lily: How did you two meet?
Simon: I was in her video. Once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.
Robin: "Starred in it" is more like it!
Barney: Excuse me. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and, you, sir, are not in it.
Simon: I was in the other one.
Barney: There's another video?! [Barney runs out of the bar]