Lily: I don't think now is the right time to buy.
Marshall: But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?
[Lily imagines painting with her two daughters.]
Lily: Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.
Marshall: [enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?
Lily, Persephone, & Daphne: Merci, Papa!

Lily: Just play cool, don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: "Billy Tedded-up when he tried-"
Ted: Okay... I get it!

Lily: Marshall, they're in kindergarten. You don't teach basketball this way.
Marshall: Sure you do, it's the way I learned.
Lily: Are you kidding? What sociopath taught you this way?
[Flashback]
Young Marshall: Come on, Dad! I'm tired!
Marvin: Sleep is for winners! You can go to bed when you score a basket!
Young Marshall: I'm trying!
Marvin: Oh, let's give you two points for trying! Negative two points for having a great big head!
[Present]
Marshall: My father gave me no quarter. And I asked for no quarter.

Lily: Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.
Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.
Lily: [As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!
Marshall: Again?
[Marshall follows Lily to the bathroom]
Ted: Where are you going?
Marshall: It's... an elaborate costume.

Lily: So, what did you guys do last last night?
Robin: Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.
Barney: It was legen--wait for it--ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs]] It was OK.

Lily: We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?

Lily: We're not gonna date them, we're just gonna be friends with them.
Barney: That's the couple's version of dating.
Robin: And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.

Lily: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.
Barney: [Points to wall] See that wall? [Turns on TV] 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!
Lily: It hurts my eyes...
Barney: Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Little girl: Do you have a fiancée?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancée.
Robin: Oh no, I don't have a fiancée.
Little girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Little girl: Don't you get lonely?
Robin: No, I've got five dogs.
Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yeah, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady � does anybody else have questions?
Little boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.

Marshall: [giving himself a pep talk in the mirror before his run] This is going to be your best run yet. You are going to accomplish all of your goals. [monotone] You are a robot sent from the future to win the Marathon. You are Marshall...You are Marshall....You are Marshall!...Yeaaaahhh!!!.

Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.
Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
Marshall: Sugar helps me study.
Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Lily: Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Barney: [Sarcastically] Oh, and your mom was perfect.

Marshall: [to Ted] Two days straight?
Lily: Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.

Marshall: Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.
Clerk: Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!
Lily: Really!?
Clerk: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.
Lily: Oh, so can we see a judge?
Clerk: Absolutely!
Lily: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.
Marshall: [clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?
Clerk: Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!
Robin: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say--
Marshall: You know what? We get it.

Marshall: I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today, I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped! Every time I turn around I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the oceans to destroy bodegas! ...I'm too big for New York, okay! I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago. "Hey, guess what, people are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is wrong with you?" ...And it's so loud. All the time. Yes, I know it's the city that never sleeps, but guess what? I like to sleep! I've been tired for eight years! Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit into all these tiny elf doorways! New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again! For the rest of your life! I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey! [sees Lily's face] I'm just kidding.

Marshall: I want to give you the package.
Lily: The package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge package!
[Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishly]