Marshall: If I could nail a celebrity it would be Lily. She's the star of my heart.
Lily: Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman.

Marshall: Just a burger? Just a burger. Robin, it's so much more than "just a burger." I mean...that first bite -- oh, what heaven that first bite is! The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a...a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us through food.
Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the internet?

Marshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.

Marshall: Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code. [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume they're saving my life.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall: [Muttering] Already did this morning.

Marshall: Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!
Ted: Well, that's her business.
Barney: Come on Ted, she left you at the altar! [gang begins arguing until Lily notices the taxi]
Lily: Wa-wait, where's she going? Her cab just missed the turn to the Lincoln Tunnel.
Robin: Why would anybody buy take-out food and take it all the way back to New Jersey, anyway?
Ted: She's going to her office.
Marshall: No. [recounts restaurant order scene] The waiter asked her, "And you need utensils?" She said, "No, I'll just take them straight home."
Ted: And if she's going home, why are we still heading to- oh my God. Tony lives downtown. 'Home' is Tony's apartment. She was gonna make me move to New Jersey, and she's moving into the city WITH TONY?!? Son of a bitch! [Gang cheers him on]
Marshall: Finally, finally, buddy.
Ted: I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!
Marshall: I know, I know, and I love it! [Ted rips off window crank] Yeah, that is awesome! [to taxi driver] Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I love angry Ted!
Ted: So do I!

Marshall: Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!
Lily:... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.

Marshall: There's no meat.
Lily: There's no alcohol.
Marshall: It gets worse--I am 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.

Marshall: Where does this girl live?
Robin: We're talking about a girl who got Barney Stinson to actually commit... I'm guessing Narnia.

Marshall: You okay?
Ted: Sure. Why?
Marshall: Ah... I don't know. Girl of your dreams... dating a billionaire.
Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams, we're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]
Barney: Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.
Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?
Barney: It was, uh... 'Daddy's home.'
Ted: Daddy's home?
Barney: Yeah!
Ted: Okay, you... you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hmm... yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

Robin: [Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.
Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of sex...
Ted: ...yeah I don't have any of those.
Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.
Robin: Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.
Lily: It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.
Robin: That's why I need your help!

Robin: [explains attraction towards battle-hardened men] I come from a culture of hockey players and if a guy can throwdown, it's somewhat way hot...and scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin and if he's missing his teeth, I'm missing my pants!

Robin: [Lily walks out, wearing her wedding dress] Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful!
Lily: I know, I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! [She lifts her arms up and the dress falls down] I'm too skinny for my dress!!

Robin: [reading "Holly's" text message for Ted] "Hey Baby, I picked up some take out from Gennaro`s, be home soon." Ok, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, it could be for a brother, or maybe her sick dad.
Ted: Scroll down...
Robin: [reading] "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Ok, maybe not a sick dad...or a VERY sick dad, am I right? [laughs] Sorry...

Robin: [She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?
Barney: [Looks up] Horrible.
Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad.
Barney: You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." Now ladies...SLUT UP!

Robin: Dude, I'm a girl, OK? Our girl parts are like a spider web; sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want!