Robin: Hey.
Barney: Hey!
Robin: Hey. Um, when we were dating, did - did I make you feel needed?
Barney: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.
Robin: [sighs] That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry. [turns to leave]
Barney: Wait, where are you g- that's a compliment! You're the least needy woman I've ever met. That's awesome! No guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky; you're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged.

Robin: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?
Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.

Robin: I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

Robin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: [beat] ...your cops are called 'mounties'.

Robin: Look at those girls, Lily. Look at them and listen to what their "woos" are really saying.
Woman #1: Woooo!
Subtitle: I cry in the shower!
Woman #2: Woooo!
Subtitle: I've never been on a second date!
Jillian: Woooo!
Subtitle: What if I never get to be a mother?!
Woman #3: Woooo!
Subtitle: I'm secretly in love with Jillian!
[Woman #3 looks admiringly at Jillian]
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: My career and love life are heading nowhere!

Robin: Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, let's call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living". Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-
[everyone cheers]
Robin: AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE TO A MINIMUM! I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.

Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It was a cockamouse!
Robin: What?
Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?

Robin: Wait, whoa, what damage did I cause?
Marshall: Remember that night where you drank the twelver of Molson and got all "Super Canadian"?
[flashback]
Robin: [holding a hockey stick] Stanley Cup. Game six, eh? The Rangers are aboot to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.
Marshall: Hey hey Robin, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can shoot it through the front door.
Robin: Oh! You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log! Tally Ho! [tries to shoot the puck through the door]
Lily: [grabs the puck] No. That's it, Robin. Gimme the stick!
Robin: I'll give you summer teeth... Some are here, some are there.
Lily: Robin, give me the stick!
Robin: Take off, [shoves Lily] hoser!
Lily: Alright, that's it!
[Robin and Lily begin to fight]
Marshall: Go America!
Ted: Alright, alright! Break it up! BREAK IT UP!
Barney: Te-ed, no! You never break up a girl fight! NEVER!! [punches a hole in the wall and storms out]

Robin: We always do this. We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, and we end up here anyway. I haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now?
Ted: Chinese?
Robin: Oh.
Barney: I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian isn't Chinese.
Barney: Weird meat, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?
Ted: Mexican?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese!
Robin: God.

Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted [voiceover]: But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily [voiceover]: But she's a gun nut.
Barney [voiceover]: But she's... Canadian.
Marshall [voiceover]: But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
All: I can't think of anything.

Robin: When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream.
Ted: [incredulous] That's the dream? The dream?!?!?! Like what Martin Luther King was talking about??
Robin: I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups.

Robin: You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It... it solves all disputes.
Ted: Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace.
[flashback]
Barney: So I explain to her... I said, "Madeleine, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude.
Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers! Next...
Ted: Apartheid.
Barney: Apart thighs! What else you got?
Ted: Cold War.
Barney: [brief pause] Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!

Sandy Rivers: [to Robin] We should have sex.
Robin: What?
Rivers: Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least I'm good at it, and even if you're not, don't worry. I'll have a good time either way.
Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don't get involved with people I work with.
Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex. Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts] Phone number, call me anytime. [reads teleprompter] A lot of teams in action tonight...

Sandy Rivers: Robin, I got something for you. It's huge...and I want you on it.
Robin: Sandy, you were in the harassment video.

St. Desperatius: Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.
St. Valentine: Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives]
Woman: Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.
St. Desperatius: And I thought Pompeii was smoking. [woman smiles]

Barney: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.