Stella: Ah the butterfly tramp stamp, my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case I thinks time to find a new gang.
Ted: Ah no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...
Stella: Well, I think I can remove it in ten one-hour sessions, but I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.
Ted: Well, I think I you'll find that I have a very high tolerance for pain. Just last night I sat through the worst movie ever made.
Stella: Oh, Plan 9 from Outer Space?
Ted: No...the Worst Movie, Manos Hands of Fate.

Stella: So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.
Ted: Well, now I can finally say it: I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is 'I'm a vegan!', 'Fish feel pain!', 'I'm never constipated!'. That guy's an idiot.
Stella: Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.
Ted: He's actually a really nice guy. There's a wisdom...

Ted: [about Star Wars] It's just a movie.
[Cut to Ted and Marshall watching the TV. Subtitle: '121 awesome minutes later']
Ted: Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.
Marshall: No, you can't.
Ted: Wanna watch it again?
Marshall: Yes, I do.

Ted: [addressing his architecture class] Unfinished. Gaudí to his credit never gave up on his dream, but that's not usually how it goes. It usually isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown pointy church from getting built, most of the time it is too difficult or expensive, or too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there and until you finish it always will be.

Ted: [as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.
Marshall: [listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!
Ted: Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.
Lily: How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?
Ted: That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.
Student: [cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?
Ted: Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...

Marshall: [in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...

Ted: [Flashes his butterfly tattoo.] Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.
Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?

Ted: [talking about Bilson, who just fired him] After he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-prong approach which really brought him to his knees.
Barney: You hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yep.
Barney: That's my boy!

Ted: [talks about Robin] She wants casual... Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever after thing, but you don't get there unless you play the game.
Marshall: So you gonna ask her out?
Ted: Yes. NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out I'm 'ASKING HER OUT'. So how do I ask her out... without asking her out?
Lily: Did you guys get high?

Ted: [tries to convince the group of watching the recorded Super Bowl together a day after because of the wake for Mark] Who's in?
Lily: I'm in!
Robin: I'm in.
Marshall: I'm in!
Barney: What the hell. I'm in! HIGH-FIVE! [raises his hand]
Ted: Dude... we are at a wake!
Barney: [looks around] Sorry.... [puts his hand over the table and speaks in a low and grave voice] solemn low-five.

Ted: Barney.
Barney: Yeah, what's up?
Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.
Barney: Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!
Ted: "Court Mandated Community Service"??
Robin: Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?
Barney: That's my private personal business!
[flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.]
Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!
Ted: You are evil!
Robin: All is right with the world again.

Ted: Dude, you shaved your fricking head!
Marshall: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, 'cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [Looks in mirror] Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?
Ted: What!?
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!

Ted: Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
Robin: You're on.
Ted: Five American bucks.
Robin: Damn it!

Ted: Gee, is that ice cream cone big enough?
Robin: Uhhh, it's delicious enough.

Ted: He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man.

Ted: Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?
Lily: Sorry, I'm ummmm...I don't know, washing my hair.
Marshall: Running the water.
Robin: Holding the towel.
Barney: I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.