Barney: [in old man make-up] You there, what's your name?
Woman: Cindy.
Barney: Cindy. I knew it! You're the Cindy, the one that can change everything...or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson. And I am on an urgent mission from the future.
Woman: The future?
Barney: The future! And I can prove it! In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man. [Clears throat loudly]
[Robin slaps Ted; woman is amazed]
Barney: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane...but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him. Tonight.
Woman: What?
Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson, tonight, in whatever way he wants it...or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race!
Woman: What are you talking about?
Barney: I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!
[Barney returns a few minutes later, looking like himself]
Woman: Oh my God! You're-oh my God! Can I buy you a drink?
Barney: Well, I guess I have time for one drink, and forty-five minutes to an hour of some other activity. But after that I have to get back to, uh, a secret research project I'm working on.
Woman: Global warming?
Barney: My god. How did you know that?

Barney: I'm - wait for it - in - wait for it - love - wait for it - with - wait for it - a -wait for it - certain - wait for it...
Marshall: I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!

Barney: If I can land just one of these girls, I'll have Party School Bingo.
[Ted rifles around in the peanut bowl, not taking the bait.]
Barney: Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.
Ted: [mock apologetically] Oh, sorry! [mock interest] What's Party School Bingo?
Barney: Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25 and I make up a Bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy... In league play that would normally be designated a free space.
Ted: So, uh, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Barney: Oh, it's just me.
Ted: Then what's the point, then?
Barney: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney: I get Bingo.

Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.

Barney: So what do you think of Robin?
Ted: Barney, I really need to get to work, so...
Barney: Great. Say you and I went suit shopping, and you happened upon a beautiful suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double-breasted. Mmmmmm. You try it on, and it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back, then I try it on. I don't really wanna take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.
Ted: Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel. [pats him on the shoulder]
Barney: Okay, but Ted, remember that that was your answer, because... [long pause] the suit is Robin. I know! [head exploding pantomime] Right?
Ted: I'm with you, buddy.
Barney: You are now, because I explained it to you. [embraces him]

Barney: Ted, I have to tell you the truth. I'm in love with [sees Robin] tacos. What are you doing?
Robin: I'm, uh, taking out the triz-ash. If you're, uh, looking for Ted, he left. Our little arrangement is, uh, over, by the way.
Barney: Really? That's aws... ful.
Robin: Awfsful?
Barney: Yeah, it's just awfsful. What happened?
Robin: Ah, he just insisted. He said he couldn't do it anymore because “someone's gonna get hurt.” Think we all know who he meant by that.
Barney: Do we?
Robin: Isn't it obvious?
Barney: Is it?
Robin: Yeah. It's Ted. You know what a romantic he is. He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like...
Barney: I love you.
Robin: Exactly. He's not like you, you know? Besides, we're friends. I don't want to screw that up by getting involved. Dating friends never works out. So, uh, you want to get a taco?
Barney: A taco?
Robin: You love them, remember?
Barney: Right.
Robin: Come on, I'm hungry.
Ted: (voiceover) So Robin and I went back to just being roommates and things went back to normal. Your Aunt Lily was right: when two exes decide to just be casual, someone always gets hurt... it just wasn't one of us.

Future Ted: If you wanna go swimming, you don't just dive in. First you dip your toe on the water, you check the temperature see how it feels and then you slowly wade in.

Future Ted: Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me. The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows asking the question...
Ted: [to Stella] Will you marry me?
Future Ted: Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response.
[Flashbacks to every possible response]
Stella: No.
[Next response]
Stella: Oh, god no!
[Next response]
Stella:[bursts into laughter] You want me to marry... No.
[Next response]
Stella: Awww I'm sorry Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from the high school football team, already asked me.
Mark Johnson: What's up, turd?
Ted: It's TED!
[Back to present time]
Future Ted: But if you're lucky, she might answer with the single greatest word in the English language...
Stella: Yes.

Future Ted: Kids, I can't tell you whether fighting is good or bad; and I can't tell you not to do it. I can only give you one piece of advice about fighting: don't get into a fight with your uncle Marshall. Cuz that guy's crazy.

Future Ted: The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.

Lily: [to Marshall] At tomorrow's game, if you're anything less than a teddybear stuffed with cotton-candy and rainbows, I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground. You will think the time I found your Internet search history was a picnic.

Lily: Fort Lager Dale, get it?
Marshall: Minne Cider, get it?
Lily: Aspen Yards Ale, get it?
Marshall: Actually, no.
Lily: Me neither. I was hoping you would.

Lily: Marshall, they're in kindergarten. You don't teach basketball this way.
Marshall: Sure you do, it's the way I learned.
Lily: Are you kidding? What sociopath taught you this way?
[Flashback]
Young Marshall: Come on, Dad! I'm tired!
Marvin: Sleep is for winners! You can go to bed when you score a basket!
Young Marshall: I'm trying!
Marvin: Oh, let's give you two points for trying! Negative two points for having a great big head!
[Present]
Marshall: My father gave me no quarter. And I asked for no quarter.

Marshall: I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today, I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped! Every time I turn around I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the oceans to destroy bodegas! ...I'm too big for New York, okay! I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago. "Hey, guess what, people are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is wrong with you?" ...And it's so loud. All the time. Yes, I know it's the city that never sleeps, but guess what? I like to sleep! I've been tired for eight years! Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit into all these tiny elf doorways! New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again! For the rest of your life! I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey! [sees Lily's face] I'm just kidding.

Marshall: If I could nail a celebrity it would be Lily. She's the star of my heart.
Lily: Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman.