Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.

Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?
Not Moby/Erik: Who?
Robin: The recording artist, Moby.
Not Moby/Erik: Oh, no.
Barney: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?
Not Moby/Erick: Oh, I thought you said Tony.
Ted: So your name's Tony?
Not Moby/Erik: No.

Trish: All right. Start with a hundred push-ups!
Marshall: All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?
Trish: A hundred.
Marshall: Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, "A hundred push-ups." Like, "do a bazillion push-ups." No one can do a hundred.
Trish: [sniffing] Do you smell that?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.
Marshall: [staring goggle-eyed at Victoria] That is the greatest story ever!

Victoria: I've only had two boyfriends before Ted.
Robin: Prude alert!
Victoria: Well, two serious ones. I've dated others in between.
Robin: Slut alert!

Victoria: Why don't we just... dance. And have a great time. And when it's over, never see each other again.
Ted: Unless-
Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this moment... and it'll be perfect.
Ted: Wow... Okay I'm in.
Victoria: [enthusiastically] Okay!
Ted: I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?
Victoria: Um... you can call me Buttercup. [Ted and "Buttercup" shake hands]
Ted: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm... Lando Calrissian. [Victoria laughs] Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-
Barney: [with bridesmaid on his arm] Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.
Ted: [to Victoria] So I'm Ted.
Victoria: Victoria.

Wendy the Waitress: Be careful, the plate is very hot!
Ted: Oh go on, touch it.
Lily: [touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!

Woman: Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.

Marshall, Ted, Robin and Lily: OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]

Zoey: I'm coming with you.
Ted: No...I baste alone.
Zoey: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

Zoey: Oh man, this movie is scary.
Scoundrel Ted: I know, right?

The Captain: I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.
Ted: Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And the, that was the last time you saw her...
The Captain: ...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night -
Ted: [spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.

[A certain videotape from Barney's porn collection has somehow ended up in Ted's VHS player]
Woman's Voiceover: ArchiSexture, the world of - [screen cuts into Barney]
Barney: Hello Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew you'd pick this one - you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things - either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF IT!

[Aboard Sandy Rivers' cruise, Robin and Barney couldn't find the strength to tell Kevin and Nora about sleeping together again]
Robin: As soon as we dock, I'm taking Kevin to the ER. God, I wish last night never happened.
Barney: I don't.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: What if this whole thing isn't the whole story of how we made a horrible mistake and ruined our relationships? What if it's the story of how we got back together?
Robin: Okay, I'm gonna ask you one last time: is this what you want?
Barney: It's what we both want. Why else are we rushing to tell them what we did - on a boat? That is a terrible idea.
Robin: Barney, we tried this, and we failed! Why try again?
Barney: Because I haven't stopped thinking about you and you haven't stopped thinking about me.
Robin: I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?
Barney: [long pause] I guess, because you're as messed up as I am.

[After Ted fails to deliver his 'cold-blooded' speech to Stella because he just saw Tony and Lucy happily greeting her.]
Future Ted: From that moment I wasn't angry anymore... Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward. And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me.

[After Ted lands the Goliath National Bank building design job]
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: Now only my love life's a disaster!