[At a staff meeting with Marshall presiding over]
Marshall: Now, as you'll see on page 44 of the contract...
Bilson: Hey Eriksen, when did you join AC/DC? [points to Marshall's cut-up pants]
Marshall: [scoffs] Can we please just turn to page 44 of the contract...
Blauman: Hey Eriksen. I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall! [colleagues laugh]
Barney: Yeah, Eriksen, please sir, can I have some more...pants? [colleagues laugh harder]

[At bar, Robin and Lily order gin for Barney and Marshall to start a fight between them, and the effects kick in]
Barney: Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?
Marshall: Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?
Barney: Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?
Marshall: [infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!

[At his study, The Captain talks to Ted about Zoey leaving him for another man]
The Captain: Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel. [imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted]

[At Honey's place, Barney and Honey are ready to get it on]
Barney: Who's your daddy?
Honey: [laughs] Who's your daddy?
Barney: [shaky voice] I...don't...KNOW!!! [breaks down]

[At JFK Airport, Ted and Lily have just picked up a professor for Marshall's fundraiser. Ted suddenly sees Lily about to enter the terminal with some luggage]
Ted: Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?
Lily: You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]
Ted: [sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?
Lily: I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
Ted: [looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.
Lily: I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not finding guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.
Ted: Lily...
Lily: I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]

[At Lily's apartment, Ted and Lily try to patch up over the dirty word]
Lily: Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? You're clearly still mad at me.
Ted: I'm not mad at you.
Lily: Yes you are.
Ted: [seething] I am NOT mad at you Lily, now can we please just...
Lily: I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me, and we've moved past it. Why can't you?
Ted: Because you've never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call? Come on, Lily we're supposed to be friends!
Lily: Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch!
Ted: You were a grinch!
Lily: How can you...
Ted: Grinchy, grinch grinch grinch, grinch grinch grinch.
[All the lights in the apartment turn off.]
Lily: Happy?! Now you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.
Ted: Yeah, i'm sure God cares if I-
Guy upstairs: You use that language again, and i'll turn off your water!

[At Punchy and Kelly's wedding, a drunken Marshall stands up for Ted because his best man toast is often mocked and lets it out at some Finnish guests]
Marshall: This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this [gestures to Lily] beautiful lady right here is pregnant.
Kelly: [reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret!

[At Ted's apartment, Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many]
Robin: Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!
Lily: What does that supposed to mean?
Robin: It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!
Lily: Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.

[At the Eriksen wake, a man approaches Robin.]
Man: I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
Robin: I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
Man: I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
Robin: [looks around] I gotcha. [leaves with man]

[At the JFK passenger terminal, Barney and Quinn are asked about the luggage]
Barney: It's mine. Did you have to replace the luggage too?
Quinn: By the time we land again you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
Security Officer: [sees box in bag] What's that?
Quinn: Yeah, what is that?
Barney: It's a magic box. You see, I'm something of a magician.
Security Officer: Open the box, sir.
Barney: [laughs] I can't do that. [K9 barks]
Security Officer #2: Sir, are there drugs in that box?
Barney: Oh no, he's probably barking because of the explosives. [officers draw firearms]
Quinn: Oh my God.
Security Officer: Tell us what's in the box right now!
Barney: I can't. Magician's Code.

[At the Wedding Bride's wedding scene, a kid kicks Jed Mosely]
Kid: Take that, Ted Mosby!
Ted: Okay, he definitely said it that time.

[Barney and Marshall arguing about 'The Talk' between Barney and Robin]
Marshall: Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!
Ted: I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....
Marshall: [in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!
Barney: Thank you, Ted...
Ted: ...because Robin is already his girlfriend!
Barney: [imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?

[Barney and Robin have just been summoned to the Natural History Museum security office for pulling off pranks. An unexpected revelation about Barney's uncle actually being his father hits him hard.]
Robin: So, when was the last time you saw him?
Barney: It was that day, July 23rd, 1981. My mom got pretty upset he let me destroy a New York City landmark.
Robin: [scoffs] Moms.
Barney: He never came around anymore after the fact. Think he moved away.
Robin: Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong, you know-
Barney: You do know, you do know, that's the thing, you know. He's my dad. [long pause]
Robin: Barney, do you wanna-
Barney: [emotionally] I don't wanna do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?

[Barney brags about his usual picture pose]
Barney: I always look drop dead, stone-cold amazing...unlike Marshall, who just looks dead, stoned, and cold.

[Barney chances upon his old bro, Insane Dwayne, at a baby goods shop]
Barney: I can't believe I haven't seen you around.
Insane Dwayne: Well after Sheila and I had that...quickie, my life's been playdates, preschool, and poop. I haven't set foot in a bar in years.
Barney: You stopped drinking?
Insane Dwayne: Oh, I still drink.