[Barney confronts Matthew Panning over the 200-women dare, even though he screwed up the count.]
Matthew Panning: So Barney, great to hear from you after all this time, what's going on?
Barney: I've had sex with 200 women! [shows the list]
Matthew: [sees list] Good God, that's way too many. I mean, that's just gross! You sought counseling for sex addiction? Because you are a prime candidate.
Barney: Oh, have you sought counseling for I-win-you-lose? Yeah. Suddenly, those hundred girls you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive.
Matthew: Hundred girls? Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied!
Barney: Sure you did.
Matthew: I was 12, of course I was lying. I didn't have a pet Ewok either.
Barney: Sure you didn't.
Matthew: Your whole adult life is based on something I lied about when I was 12?
Barney: Jealous?
Matthew: [exasperated with Barney's response] I gotta go pick up my kids at school. Sounds like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess. [leaves]
Barney: I'm awesome. [tears up list] Okay, 200. Now what? [looks at Robin]

[Barney defines lie]
Barney: A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

[Barney enters MacLaren's, then suddenly]
Bar Crowd: SWARLEY!!! [Carl the bartender plays Where Everybody Knows Your Name]

[Barney explains the origins of Desperation Day]
Barney: Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.
Robin: That's not a thing.
Barney: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
Ted: That's actually true.
Barney: Wait. There's more.
Ted: This won't be.
Barney: And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks like Robin.]

[Barney gets the gang a copy of a porn movie starring 'the other' Ted Mosby]
Barney: Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.
Ted: Terrific.
Barney: [loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.
[DVD plays, showing Lance Hardwood and a woman]

[Barney has just called dibs on a hot girl Ted asked him to make a short glance at. Ted is not amused]
Ted: You can't call dibs on a girl that I've been sitting here thinking about eventually talking to at some point!
Barney: You never called dibs.
Ted: Dibs were implied!
Barney: "Implied" dibs?
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Ted, you are spitting on the grave of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib. It was 1652, the SS Dibs was lost at sea-
Ted: I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep [points pen at Barney] this simple: You go over there and talk to that girl, I'll see you in court.
Barney: Who's gonna represent you? Dibs-on-Marshall's-my-lawyer!

[Barney has just sipped a drink to drown the fact that he has Canadian blood]
Barney: This is nice. What is this?
Waitress: Canadian whiskey.
Barney: [Spits out drink] I want Scotch...American Scotch, from Scotland! Just get that swill away from me! [hands back glass to waitress and makes cat-like hiss; to Robin] Why are you doing this to me?
Robin: You've been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, so now this Canuck's gonna be on you like the drummer from the Yukon Blondes, high up on Timbits.

[Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie]
Lily: Don't let him tempt you, baby.
Marshall: I don't know baby, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.

[Barney imagines being interviewed by Jim Nantz]
Jim Nantz: Hello friends, every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.
Barney: [shakes hands] Thanks Jim, great to be back on the show.
Jim: Good to have you with us, and you know the stats that really speak for themselves - over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. It's impressive. With all of these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that has eluded you...which brings us to last week. What's the story there?
Barney: Buckle up, Jimbo, this one's a doozie.

[Barney is explaining the concept of the "Sexless Inkeeper" to Ted]
Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.
Ted: No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.
Barney: Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down services. Oh! [highfives Barney]

[Barney is holding a casting call for a little boy to play his son]
Woman: You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part!
Barney: Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid. [over his shoulder] Bring in the four o'clocks!

[Barney is in his office, working late. He answers his phone]
Barney: Go for Barney.
Marshall: Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.
Barney: What is it?
Marshall: A new website. Slapcountdown.com
Barney: [Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!

[Barney is taking Ted's father to MacLaren's]
Ted's mother: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.
Barney: St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

[Barney just discovered he did not sire a baby with his latest sexual conquest and tells Marshall about it]
Barney: Marshall, great news - I'm not a father.
Marshall: Congratulations, buddy. [Shakes Barney's hand]
Barney: I know, this is the happiest moment of my life! Marshall, the way I feel about not having kids... I never knew I could love something this much. That's why, I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as "Not A Father's Day"!
Marshall: Wow, you're creating a holiday.
Barney: Why not? Everyone else gets a day - mothers, fathers, Bastille's...why can't there be a day for those who are single and like it that way?
Marshall: Now you just sound like a fat girl at Valentine's Day.

[Barney just learned from Ted that Kevin and Robin broke up]
Barney: Bummer. Anyway, let's make our own bets about this sex tape. I've got Marshall with a surprise piercing at 5-1 odds, Lily with a landing strip at 10-1, Marshall with a landing strip, even money.
Ted: I don't believe this. You were in love with Robin, you find out she's single, and all you've got to say is "Bummer"?
Barney: What do you want me to say Ted? Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently. So, no, I don't care if Robin is single again.
Ted: So if Robin started dating someone else, you wouldn't mind?
Barney: Nope.
Ted: Even if that somebody else was me?