[Barney makes a proposition to Sam Gibbs]
Barney: I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.
Sam Gibbs: Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.
Barney: No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail. What up? [poses for a high-five]
Gibbs: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

[Barney quotes the sign-off phrases of multiple reality TV shows, when telling Ted that he needs to tell Punchy to leave.]
Barney: You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.
Ted: OK, yeah I know...
Barney: You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

[Barney sings sexual versions of Christmas songs whenever Ted receives a Christmas greeting card from his sister]
Barney: [on first card, Christmas 2005, to the tune of 'Jingle Bells'] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan - OOOH! Heather's hot, Heather's hot, and we'll go all the way...
[on second card, Christmas 2006, to the tune of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'] I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked...and down on all fours! [gets ribbed by Ted]
[on third card, Christmas 2007, to the tune of 'The Dreidel Song'] Ted has a little sister, gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play - Everybody! Sister, sister, sister...

[Barney takes offense at Ted's prediction of him in 2015]
Barney: Wa-wa-wait a minute. Who's Melanie?
Ted: Come on, if there's one thing I can count on not changing, it's you walking with some random girl under your arm.
Barney: No. No, I don't want that. For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many boobs she has. I want to be with Quinn. [heads for the door] Guys, you're gonna see a lot more of Quinn.
Marshall: We've been to the Lusty Leopard, we've seen plenty.
Barney: I kinda walked into that one. Alright, byebye.

[Barney talks to his father about how he settled down and how his life had been]
Barney: When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life and who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.
Jerry: [looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.
Barney: So how do you do it?
Jerry: A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but I'll give you a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Barney: Maybe I've met her already.

[Barney talks to Robin, who just locked herself up at a bathroom]
Barney: Are we still friends?
Robin: Hope
Barney: Good. [sits on bathtub] 'Cause get this, Ted almost adopted a baby. [scoffs] Crazy, right? Poor guy's going through some stuff. He actually tried to rope me into it. Can you imagine me being someone's dad?
Robin: I'm pregnant. [Barney, non-plussed, looks at Robin]

[Barney tries to ask the bus driver to drive to the hospital where Lily is giving birth]
Barney: Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. Instead of going to St Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo - and I've seen women from there, the city's aptly named. Look, I'm a screw-up; I'm having something special with this girl Quinn and I ruined it. But this guy [gestures to Marshall], he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoting since he was 18 years old. There are a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them. He deserves to be at the birth of his son. So what do you say?
Driver: Unless it's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop so sit down, watch Cocoon 2, and shut up!

[Barney tries to call Nora on her actual age]
Barney: I know you're old, and I've been struggling with it, but when I look at you, and I don't care, because I really like you...and because for 37, you're keeping it really tight!
Nora: You think I'm 37?
Barney: If you were actually 29, then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks, and you would have loved them.
Nora: Barney, I never saw any of the Star Wars movies until last year.
Barney: You...you're 29?! [embraces Nora] You still have one good year left -
Nora: [Surprised] What?
Barney: Nothing...[kisses Nora]

[Barney tries to hit on MacLaren's female bartender, Karina, as he sees her warmly receive other guys]
Barney: Hey.
Karina: [curtly] What do you want?
Barney: Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a- [realizes what she just said] Wait, whaaat?
Karina: Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
Barney: [caught off-guard] Um...
Karina: I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [cheerfully, at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?

[Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression]
Barney: Hey.
Robin: [sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.
Barney: Robin, I know you're upset.
Robin: What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other. [angry tone] It just warms my frickin' heart! [returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]
Barney: So you're not upset?
Robin: Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?
Barney: But you're not just another number to me.
Robin: And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks. [pause]
Barney: Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Robin: Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.
Barney: Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.
Robin: Ok, don't sleep with Anita.
Barney: Done.
Robin: Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?
Barney: She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.

[Barney wants to know the identity of his father]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? A lot of kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Barney's Mom: Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to TV set showing a broadcast of The Price Is Right]

[Barney's in the hospital after trying to sexually satisfy Marshall's law professor]
Professor Lewis: Mr Eriksen, hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was...[looks at Barney] pleasantly surprised.
Barney: [smugly] Yeah she was.
Lewis: [to Marshall, before leaving] B-plus.
Barney: B-plus?!? Marshall, after I've gone though my eight weeks of physical therapy, I'm going to get you that A!
Marshall: Let her go. She belongs out there...in the wild. You should be proud. You fought the cougar and lived.

[Barney's just been given a speeding ticket]
NJ Policewoman: Get out of the car.
Barney: [in a suave voice] Why, am I under arrest?
NJ Policewoman: No, [takes off helmet and unzips uniform blouse] you're about to be under me. [Barney looks at camera and gives a double thumbs-up]

[Barney's talking on phone to Ted in a deep voice]
Ted: Barney...
Barney: This isn't Barney. ...but I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at MacLaren's in an hour.
Ted: How will I know who to look for since we've never met?
[Awkward pause]
Barney: ...I look like Barney.

[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder]
Lily: It's time, baby.
Marshall: [crying] I will never love again!
Lily: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
[at Lily's funeral]
Pastor: ...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
Busty Delivery Girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]