[during Nora's date with Barney]
Nora: Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.
Barney: Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?
Nora: I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

[During Ted's blind date with Jen, they talk about menu choices]
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
Ted: Yeah. You want to share the oysters?
Jen: I'd love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good, 'cause if you don't that would be...mighty shellfish.
Jen: [shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.

[First scene of the series, in 2030]
Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.
Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?
Future Ted: No.
Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?
Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life...

[Flashback of Barney talking to Lily in San Francisco]
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened. [Barney slams the door behind him, but opens it again] Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do... Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?

[flashback to Robin and her marine biologist boyfriend]
Scott: This really sucks but I'm gonna be at the North Pole for the next three months.
Robin: [sarcastically] Seriously? The North Pole? Okay pal, if you wanna break up with me, just tell it to me straight, don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. [laughs]
Scott: Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-
Robin: Of what? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia, works it's way up to Candyland, and then hey, congratulate me, I'm the new Defence Against the Dark Teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
Scott: Robin, the North Pole is a real place, you know that right?
Robin: ...So you wanna get pizza later-
Scott: I think we should break up.

[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?
Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily.
Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!

[Flashback.]
Ted: I'm sorry, but i'm not apologizing! Look-I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces!
Lily: Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?!
Ted: NO!
Lily: Why not?!
Ted: BECAUSE, Lily, this summer you were KIND OF A GRINCH!
Robin and Barney [present]: Oooooooohhhhhhh.
Lily [flashback]: [coldly] You'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.
[Present, at MacLaren's.]
Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!
Ted: That's not my middle name.
Barney: You kiss your mother with that mouth?!
Ted: Like you've never said that word.
Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet...
[Barney sneezes]
Ted: Are you sick?
Barney: Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?
Ted: No, I meant do you have a cold?
Barney: I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

[Flashback]
Marshall: So when Lily and I get married... who gonna get the apartment?
Ted: Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
[Present Day]
Ted: Dammit, Past Ted!

[Future Ted is explaining why Barney needed to win the race]
Barney: [excited] And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary, and this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group...
Future Ted: [interrupting the story] Actually, Barney did not need a win.

[Goliath National Bank's ad]
Voice-over: What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, We Care.
Barney: [holding a recycling bin] I care about our precious Earth. [puts in spent soft drink can]
Randy: [opening the door for an old woman] I care about old people.
Arthur Hobbs: I care about high-yield, offshore investments, and so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat? [plays with dog]
Marshall: [at his office, eating salad] Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet!

[Having decided to apologize to Lily for interfering in her pregnancy, Ted and Marshall leave the birthing class]
Class Instructor: Dads, this is the time I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas.
Marshall: [overhears instructor almost out of the door] Damn it! [Ted ushers him out]

[Having discovered that Victoria hooked up with Klaus within two days of breaking up with Ted, Ted begins licking the dishes he just cleaned for her]
Victoria: [gasps] Okay, fine. Just let yourself off the hook on a technicality! Forget the fact that you did cheat on me!
Ted: Forget it? I will never forget it! Okay? I will never stop regretting it, because what we had meant that much to me! I just...I wish it had meant something to you, too.
Victoria: Are you kidding? I loved you.
Ted: Did you?

[Having failed a play on a girl, Barney tries some 'customer feedback']
Barney: Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out? [shows long fingernails]

[Having spent some good time with Karma, Barney has just discovered that she is using the same routine on everybody else]
Barney: Did I deserve this? Absolutely. I've told some outrageous lies. I have told women that I was famous, a war hero, that sex with me would cure their nearsightedness...
Myopic Stripper: Barney?
Barney: I probably deserve everything you did to me and more, but I have been trying and trying hard to be a better person. Thanks for showing me I had it right before. [leaves Lusty Leopard]

[In 2003, Ted comforts Marshall about making it into law school, but in 2006...]
Ted: ...and look what happened. You got into law school just like I said you would. See? Things aren't so bad.
Marshall: [cries] Lily left me...and now I'll never have a mustache!!!