[In coming clean to Nora, Barney explains every lie he's ever made to seduce a woman]
Nora: Ok, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy?
Barney: Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys- [black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction]
Woman: Barnelle!?! Ooh, I knew it! [walks out]

[In Marshall's mind, virtual versions of Lily and Robin watch him and Lily have sex over drinks]
Virtual Lily: Ugh, he thinks I like this [Marshall looks at Virtual Lily] and it feels disgusting.
Virtual Robin: Uh, it looks disgusting.
Marshall: [to Lily] Is this working for you?
Virtual Lily: [mocks Marshall] Is this working for you?
Virtual Robin: Of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like Lennie from Of Mice and Men?
Virtual Lily: Oh, you're bad!
Virtual Robin: More Cosmos? [share toast]

[Inside the Move This truck on the way to Sam Gibbs' house, Ted and Robin discuss how to market him to a blind date.]
Ted: [to Robin typing on Blackberry] Ted Mosby is solid as a rock. No, dependable. No, rugged. No-
Robin: Why don't I go to the Chevy website and copy down the adjectives?
Ted: I just want to hit that perfect middle ground.
Robin: How about if we just go wildly to both extremes and let them balance each other out? [reads message] "Ted Mosby is really handsome but extremely violent and really rich, but lacks bladder control-" [truck hits bump; Ted and Robin are jolted] Oh damn, that last bump just made me hit Send.
Ted: No, no.
Robin: Don't worry, everyone will get it's a joke.
Ted: No they won't, they'll think...wait. Everyone?
[Lily, Marshall, James, and Barney at the cab also received the message]
Barney: [reads message] "Really rich"? [Everyone laughs]

[Intro scene]
Future Ted: In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes. [Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears]
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
Ted: I know, it's been six hours. Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting's into.
Robin: She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted: [to neighbors] You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!

[Jenkins has just apologized to Lily at MacLaren's for kissing Marshall. Lily is gradually taking off her scarf and earrings.]
Jenkins: For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. [takes Lily's sudden punch and lies crumpled on the floor]
Lily: Kiss my husband? MY HUSBAND?!?! Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!!! [proceeds to pummel Jenkins while Marshall tries to get closer]
Barney: [trying to take picture of fight] Marshall, you're blocking the shot!

[Jenkins tries to apologize to Marshall at the GNB board room]
Jenkins: There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.
Marshall: That's OK.
Jenkins: And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mailroom.
Marshall: That wasn't me.
Jenkins: Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.

[Jerome "Jerry" Whittaker sees Barney try to dismantle a basketball hoop over his driveway]
Jerry: Barney, what is going on?
Barney: This is mine.
Jerry: I don't understand.
Barney: JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.
Jerry: Please, just come down and talk to me.
Barney: Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.
Jerry: Why does that make you so mad?
Barney: Because if you were going to be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me!?!?
Jerry: Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.
Barney: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through-
Jerry: I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! [Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.

[Karen just saw Robin's earrings]
Karen: Are those real diamond earrings?
Robin: Yes, they are. Thank you. [smiles]
Karen: I didn't say I like them.
Robin: Well, I got a great deal on them.
Karen: Cool. I'm sure the exploited diamond miners of Sierra Leone would give you a high five if they still have their fingers. [changes to happy tone] but they're really pretty.

[Kevin has just proposed to Robin, who's still unsure of an engagement]
Robin: Haven't you always wanted kids?
Kevin: That was before I fell in love with you.
Robin: That's the thing! Your future always had kids in it, something huge you would be giving up for me. I just don't think I could ever owe someone that much. I'm just scared that you'll wake up in a year, or ten, or 50, so I need you to be sure, okay? If we get married, we will never have children. Are you really okay with that?

[Kevin is not too pleased about Robin massaging Ted on what should be their date night]
Future Ted: Now Kevin, as a trained psychologist, knew the appropriate way to voice his displeasure...
Kevin: I think we need to calmly discuss the relationship dynamics at play here. I'm uncomfortable with how close you two are as roommates, given your particular romantic history.
Future Ted: Instead, he took a different approach...
Kevin: Oh Hell NO! If you want a date with my girlfriend, I don't have to wear pants in your apartment! [unbuttons pants, revealing boxers]

[knock at the door]
Lily: Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
Marshall: Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.
[Stunned gasps]
Robin: What?!?
Ted: Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.
Lily: I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!
Arthur The Pizza Guy: Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
Barney: I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.
Marshall: All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?
Arthur: Better.
Marshall: Good!

[last words of the season]
Future Ted: That was the year I got left at the altar, it was the year I got knocked out by a crazed bartender, the year I got fired, the year I got beat up by a goat, a girl goat at that, and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. Because if any one of those things hadn't happened, I never would've ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had. But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother. Because as you know, she was in that class. Of course, that story is just beginning.
Season 5

[Lily admits to Ted about the arts program and how it could derail her and Marshall's wedding]
Lily: There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you?
Ted: I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.

[Lily and Marshall arrive at Ted's apartment and see it empty. Lily sees note]
Ted: Dear Lily and Marshall, I don't know if you know this, but I never took your names off the lease. Well, today, I took my name off it. The apartment...is now yours and I think I've found what to do with Robin's old room[They walk in to Robin's old room and find that it is painted blue and has been turned in to a baby room]. You see, for me, this place had begun to feel haunted. At first I thought it was haunted by Robin, but I now think it was haunted by me. Well, no ghost is at peace until it finally moves on. I need a change, and I think you do too. This apartment needs some new life, so please, make our old home your new home. It is now ghost-free. Love, Ted.

[Lily confronts Ted and Marshall at the hospital over their sword fight]
Lily: On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?