Britta: Whoa, Yippee kay yay. Thought you weren't a costume guy.
Jeff: You had to have one to get in here, squirrel.
Britta: Oh, so where did you get it? 'Cause I wouldn't think any costume stores would be open this late.
Jeff: Well, I know what you're getting at--
Britta: I think the words you're lookin for are "I own a cowboy outfit. And it is tight." Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes!

Britta: You guys weren't in Spanish class.
Jeff: Knight Rider marathon.
Abed: A shadowy flight into the world of a man that does not exist.

Britta: You know, he needs a little spending money.
Jeff: All money is spending money.

Britta: You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk.
Jeff: Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?
Britta: That's not small talk?
Jeff: What's your deal, and is God dead?

Chang: [pulls out a roll of coins] Do you know what this is?
Duncan: A roll of quarters?
Chang: Yeah, that's right! [punches Duncan]
Season 2

Chang: I don't like that fact that you're walking around here like you're better than me in front of my students!
[Both notice a man showering in the corner]

Chang: Silencio por favor. Starburns, that means you.
Starburns: My name's Alex, dude.
Chang: Well, maybe you should spend five hours sclupting that in your face.

Dean Pelton: [yelling at Jeff, who's walking away] Listen, jerk wad! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that got really heated. Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay.

Dean Pelton: [approaching the study group] Hi, everybody. Well, look at this group, having some kind of meeting and being so diverse. There is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?
Pierce: Well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it.

Dean Pelton: [introducing the judges for Britta's trial] Our judges include myself, Dean Craig Pelton.
Duncan: Professor Ian Duncan.
Chang: Professor Ben Chang.
Duncan: Uh, no, you're a teacher, you're not a professor.
Chang: Maybe because I don't look like Ron Weasley.
Duncan: That's the difference, that's the qualifying factor.
Dean Pelton: Gentleman.
Jeff: Point of order. How can Señor Chang be one of the judges? He's the one accussing my client.
Chang: Well, you got Prince Charles over here, your drinking buddy.
Duncan: Oh, got me.
Dean Pelton: It sounds like there are two biases, one on each side, and I go both ways, so... let's strike that.

Dean Pelton: [on designing a politically correct school mascot] We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.
Pierce: See, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from. Pan-Asian eye folds, Irish chins, women's breasts.
Jeff: [noticing a chart of skin colors] Is that Seal?
Dean Pelton: That is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.
Pierce: What do you think?
Jeff: I think that not being racist is the new racism.

Dean Pelton: [over P.A.] It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.

Dean Pelton: [to Jeff, about convincing Troy to play football] I think if you said jump, he'd say, "How high?" If you said stop, he'd say, "Hammer time."

Dean Pelton: From now on, April 1st is now March 32nd.

Dean Pelton: Mr. Winger!
[Jeff sees the Dean, Annie, and Whitman, and tried to go the other way. They chase him down]