Denny: You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that by and large, vegetarians are communists?
Mayor George Bostwick: I certainly would not.
Denny: We're at war, Mr. Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers, "No more meat"? Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world, you wimp?
Attorney for Mayor: Objection?
Denny: Withdrawn. Nothing further.
Mayor: (Under his breath) Wimp?
Shirley: (To Denny) What the hell are you doing?!?
Denny: Don't bother with the merits, Shirley, this case is all about the Judge.

Denny: You're one of those environmental lawyers?
Peter Barrett: Is there something wrong with that?
Denny: They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something - I came out here to enjoy nature. Don't talk to me about the environment.
Alan: All reality, none of it scripted.

Denny: You, kid.
Garrett: Yes. sir.
Denny: Fix my tie. [to Sara] You, you know my name?
Sara: Yes, sir.
Denny: Good. Maybe someday I'll learn yours.

Denny: (Closing Argument) Who the hell are we kidding? Defense Attorneys make their living helping their clients get away with murder. We put rapists back on the streets knowing they're gonna rape again. Let's not pretend that we don't aid and abet crime. But the key is: Make sure we cover our asses. Defense attorneys do that better than anybody. Now, Alan Shore covered his. He knew he couldn't legally advise Mr. Mkeba to run, and he expressly told him he couldn't give him such advice. Did Mr. Mkeba get the message anyway? Sure, but technically, Alan Shore didn't break the law. Ass covered, over and out. Not guilty, simple as that. Oh, and here's another thing about asses: (Turns to District Attorney Kupfer) Not you, we'll get to you in a second. If you have a lot of success against the D.A.'s office, and Alan Shore's had a lot. Especially against this putz, beats him every time.
Kupfer: Objection.
Judge Sanders: Sustained. Mr. Crane.
Denny: I'm sorry, Your Honor. Too much success, and eventually, you get a giant bullseye painted on your bottom. (Pulls down pants, revealing bullseye painted on his boxers)
Kupfer: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Sustained! Mr. Crane!
Denny: I'm just trying to make a point, your honor. (To jury) Alan Shore, was the target. He has a bigger bullseye on his ass than I have on mine. And this man, Douglas Kupfer, is aiming for it! He said he wanted to stab him. That's subtle. There's a vendetta. He wants my client, anyway he can get him, and that's the only reason we're here. Reasonable doubt? You all know that. Last name Crane. First name Denny. Not Guilty! Over and out.

Denny: (To Alan) I don't think I've ever seen you this nervous, except for night terrors, clowns and word salad.

Denny: [after breaking up with Bella] I didn't have to shoot her!
[Shirley and Denny high-five each other]

Denny: Alan, you've got to help me dump Bella. I'm not good when it comes to breaking up with women; I'm too soft.
Alan: Denny, you shoot people.
Denny: I thought of that, but it would be illegal. Except in Florida.

Denny: I'll let you play with my gun.
Shirley: Your gun goes off too prematurely for me, Denny. It always has.

Denny: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Overruled!
Denny: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Sustained!

Derek Roth: And she said I have no sense of humor. I make jokes all the time.
Atty John Lenox: Those aren't jokes. They're puns and puns aren't funny.
Derek Roth: Well, that's just your o-opunion.
Denise Bauer: Oh, good Lord.

Derek Roth: Now, anytime someone tries to Google my name or my company, Roth's Plumbing Supplies, instead of finding my website, yours is the first site that comes up. My sales have dropped forty percent since that posting!

Detective Spindle: What's the infield fly rule?
Lincoln: I haven't the slightest. Does it involve a zipper?
Denny: [to Claire] I bet he's more familiar with a zipper than he is with baseball.
Claire: [deadpan] Really?

Donny Crane: Dad, he's mocking me.
Denny: You're a Crane, get used to it.

Donny Crane: So don't you find it curious that in our Administration's quest to stop abortion, we're actually restricting free speech which is a hallmark of democracy?
Denny Crane: Objection. Irrelevant and unpatriotic.

Donny Crane: We're talking about emotions of the heart.
Denny: Objection. Sounds like a girly man.
Donny Crane: [angrily] Move to strike!
Denny: That's better.