Denny: What the hell kinda charity is 'Children's Group'?
Shirley: We're teaching children to read.
Denise: No, we're buying them food.
Alan: I thought we were providing them with old people to play with.

Denny: When a beautiful woman says, 'get me off', you 'get her off', Shirley, it's as simple as that.

Denny: When God strips you of your talent, He should at least have the decency to strip away the memory of having had it.

Denny: When is the trial?
Alan: Next Tuesday.
Denny: Really? What time?
Alan: 10.

Denny: While everyone was whining about Bev, you were actually trying to take her out. I admire that. You have very large testicles, my friend.
Brad: Well. Thank you Denny, I'm flattered you have that opinion of me.
Denny: It's not my opinion. I saw you in the shower at the gym. Good God!

Denny: With all that's going on in the world these days, who among us hasn't wanted to take an axe to a priest?

Denny: With juries, it always comes down to simple. There's nobody simpler than me.

Denny: You can change one thing, what is it?
Alan: I'd get rid of stores that end in Mart.

Denny: You hear the one about the fella who died? Went to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument and says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oooohhh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."

Denny: You know the old joke, Alan? Man shows up at the Pearly Gates, sees this guy in a pin stripe suit, and a briefcase, a cigar, prancing about. He says to Saint Peter, 'who's that guy?' Saint Peter says 'ahhh, that's just God. Thinks he's Denny Crane.'
Alan: Denny, what would you do if you actually met God one day?
Denny: I'd probably take him fishing.
Alan: Indeed.
Denny: He'd probably want to wrestle me for Shirley.
Alan: Indeed again.

Denny: You know what your problem is?
Alan: Yeah, a collapsing economy, two wars....
Denny: No, Democrats don't know how to win, Republicans do.
Alan: Maybe instead of so smugly celebrating that Republicans know how to win, might you be at the least bit disgusted at the tactics that they resort to?
Denny: Oh, please.
Alan: The despicable pandering like supporting gas tax holidays or cozying up to the Evangelicals or the most egregious example of political pandering in memory: John McCain's choice in running mate.
Denny: Well... she's run... something.
Alan: What? A town called Wasilla? Which she left in debt?
Denny: She had executive experience including foreign policy.
Alan: Foreign policy? Because she can see Russia on a clear day? Can she even spell "Russia?"
Denny: She's just as qualified.
Alan: Denny, she couldn't name newspaper she read or Supreme Court decision
Denny: Gossip journalism.
Alan: Gossip journalism? Naming a Supreme court case?
Denny: This isn't about Palin, it's about McCain.
Alan: What if, what if he dies?
Denny: Who?
Alan: McCain! Of the last 19 Administrations, almost half, half had situations where the Vice President had to assume Presidential responsibilities; in fact- complete control.
Denny: Reagan had Alzheimer's, his a approval ratings were up-.
Alan: Denny, John McCain is 72! He would be the oldest person ever to assume office. He's ripe for a heart attack, not to mention, he's had Melanoma four times. There's a very real possibility he could die. And then what? We'd be left with Sarah Palin? Is there really anyone anywhere that's okay with that?!
Denny: Yes! They're called Americans! The Joe six-pack -
Alan: Joe six-pack needs someone to fix the economy not have a beer with!
Denny: I don't hear anything other from Obama.
Alan: You don't hear anything at all from John McCain. His own camp says "don't talk about it." Instead, we'll just go negative.
Denny: Oh, Obama's gone negative too.
Alan: Bulldog Palin said that Obama pounced around with terrorists.

Denny: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley: It was the Secretary of Defense.

Denny: You never talk about your wife. What was she like?
Alan: She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.
Denny: Sounds spectacular. What happened?
Alan: She began...to know me too well and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, it's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.

Denny: You people have an overreacting problem, you do know that?
Lawyer: [offended] "We people?"
Denny: Yeah, same thing in Lebanon. They grab a few soldiers, you respond with overkill. And that's a problem.
Bethany: Are you saying Israel doesn't have the right to defend itself?
Denny: Well, of course, they do! But you can't blow up a country just because you get mad! Only the United States enjoys that privilege. We're a superpower; God is on our side.

Denny: You want a war? You get a war.
Bethany: You fat old man.
Denny: Bring it on, small fry!