ADA Jackson: No cell phones allowed in here. How'd you get by with that?
Alan: I told the guard we're waiting for a last minute call from your conscience. Collect.

Al Sharpton: [bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick...
Alan: And subtle!
Judge Harry Hingham: [to Sharpton] Who the hell are you?
Al Sharpton: [continues without pause] ...The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!
Alan: [whispers] Gay, not black.
Al Sharpton: The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?
Judge Harry Hingham: Who is this man?
Al Sharpton: [continuing] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!
Alan: And cut!
[courtroom explodes in applause]

Al Sharpton: The sun needs to come out today - not tomorrow, your honor. [courtroom explodes in applause] That's what you call a rabbit, son. Denny Crane.

Alan: [regarding Brad and Tara] They make a lovely couple, don't they? He has a nice tight ass, don't you think?

Alan: [to Brad] Do you do tongue pushups?

Alan: [to Lori] I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those who want to kill me, don't you? Perhaps you'll find that witty comeback in your office.

Alan: [to Sally] I haven't kept up with the boyfriend/girlfriend regulations.

Alan: Alan Shore, it's a pleasure. [extends hand to shake Shirley's hand after using the restroom]
Shirley Schmidt: Surely you intend to wash that.
Alan: I keep an extremely clean penis.

Alan: Christine, you were in love with a man who was unworthy of you, who made you doubt everything you had a right to count on, who perhaps even toyed with your sanity.
Christine: That's still no reason to kill him.
Alan: Perhaps he had it coming.
Christine: Perhaps you did.

Alan: Feels good, doesn't it?
Roberta: What feels good?
Alan: Having sex with the candidate. What if he wins? I bet the orgasms are even better if he wins. [sighs] I'm jealous.

Alan: First of all, the idea of giving representation to that thug��
Denny: Alan, c'mon, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate, allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

Alan: I demand only one thing in a relationship, Christine, that I remain utterly alone.

Alan: I have trouble talking that fast. I don't believe in being straight up, but I'm a big fan of your Aqua Velva commercials.

Alan: I love Vermont. Would you allow me to cover your body with maple syrup?

Alan: I may not be able to talk as fast, but my tongue is more versatile.