Alan: Schadenfreude. From the German words, Schaden and Freude, damage and joy. It means to take spiteful, malicious delight in the misfortune of others. We used to dismiss this as simply an ugly side of human nature, but it is much, much more than that. Recently a Stanford professor actually captured Schadenfreude on a brain scan. It's a physiological medical phenomenon. When we see others fall it sometimes causes a chemical to be released in the dorsal striatum of the brain which actually causes us to feel pleasure. If you watch the news or read the papers, which of course you don't because the Judge said not to, but if you did, you would see the undeniable delicious joy of the media and the public over Kelly Nolan's plight. I have no doubt that you want Kelly Nolan to be punished. She married for money, she had an affair, she carried on naked in the pool with her boyfriend. She's cold, materialistic, unlikable, and it might bring you all pleasure to see her go to jail. But as for evidence to establish that she committed a murder beyond all reasonable doubt? It just isn't there. The only possible route to a guilty verdict here is Schadenfreude.

A.D.A. Kupfer: Mr. Shore, I hope one day to speak at your funeral.

Alan Shore: Let me tell you two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.

Alan: [closing statement] Ugh, please. It's a dumb freedom. An employee's behavior reflects on their employer, for God's sakes. In this case, we're talking about a business, a law firm, where clients look for good judgment, sound and sane counsel. This guy's running around talking about how humans evolved from a big clam after galactic warlords invaded our volcanoes. He's a nut-job. And I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of this whole "freedom of religion" thing. I mean, when did religion get such a good name anyway? Be it the Crusades, the Reformation Genocides, the troubles in Northern Ireland, Middle East, mass slaughters in the name of Allah, as well as the obligatory reciprocal retribution. Hundreds of millions of people have died in religious conflicts. Hitler did his business in the name of his Creator. 9/11 was an act of religious extremism. It is, in fact, our greatest threat today -- a Holy Jihad. And if we're not ready to strip religion of its sacred cow status, why don't we at least scale back a bit on the constitutional dogma exalting it as all get-out?
Sally Heep: Your Honor, I'd love to know what this has to with my client being fired.
Alan: Your client was fired because he entered into an at-will employment contract, he acted like a complete loon, and now he tries to cloak himself in a constitutional amendment that is as overplayed as it is misapplied. Everyone should get to believe in God. Pray to his God, worship his God -- of course. But to impose him on others, to victimize others in his name -- the Founding Fathers of this country set out to prevent persecution, not to license it. And for Jerry Espenson, struggling with his law practice to make ends meet, don't tell me he's not being victimized when one of his lawyers bounces around telling clients and other attorneys that according to his most recent electro-psycho-meter reading, he's getting closer to immortality, at which point he'll be able to leave his body and talk to zebras! At a certain point we have to say, "Enough with this 'freedom of religion' crap!" Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! [goes back to his seat] Yes, I know. I'll get letters.

"Pro-Ana" Lawyer: I guess we'll see each other in court.
Denny: [under his breath] Not if you turn sideways.

Al Sharpton: The sun needs to come out today - not tomorrow, your honor. [courtroom explodes in applause] That's what you call a rabbit, son. Denny Crane.

Al Sharpton: [bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick...
Alan: And subtle!
Judge Harry Hingham: [to Sharpton] Who the hell are you?
Al Sharpton: [continues without pause] ...The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!
Alan: [whispers] Gay, not black.
Al Sharpton: The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?
Judge Harry Hingham: Who is this man?
Al Sharpton: [continuing] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!
Alan: And cut!
[courtroom explodes in applause]

Alan Shore: Mr Lumis, how do you feel about fat people? Because according to the Surgeon General three hundred thousand Americans die every year from obesity-related illnesses.
Kurt Lumis: Other businesses are firing people for that. I haven't done it yet.
Alan Shore: So you're thinking about it?
Kurt Lumis: I'm always thinking.
Alan Shore: Anyone can see that. How about alcohol consumption? People who have more than fifteen drinks a week are at risk of becoming alcoholics and alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, increased incidents of cancer. Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employee's alcohol intake?
Kurt Lumis: Maybe I should.
Alan Shore: What about coffee? Caffeine temporarily raises your blood pressure. Trans-fatty acids! And stress! Both of these things could cause heart attacks. That would certainly raise your premiums sky high. It's been proven arguing thirty minutes a day lowers your immune system. As does loneliness, there go your married employees and your single ones! You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr Lumis. I hope you're multitasked.
Kurt Lumis: Mr Shore, I think you're exaggerating.
Alan Shore: No. I'm just welcoming us all to 1984-the bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide George Orwell is good and dead. But nonetheless, we made it. And big brother Lumis is watching us.

ADA Jackson: No cell phones allowed in here. How'd you get by with that?
Alan: I told the guard we're waiting for a last minute call from your conscience. Collect.

Alan: [to Denny] Ah, there you are. I've hardly seen you this episode.

Alan: [to Brad] Do you do tongue pushups?

Alan: [talking about Bernard] He seems to take particular delight in all of this. Does he not, Catherine?
Catherine: We all do. It's fun to see pretty people fall.
Alan: Your little boyfriend is twisted. Trust me when I tell you, he's not finished killing.
(In Judge Cooper's Chambers)

ADA Kupfer: You know if the US really wanted to torture detainees, they'd sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating.
Alan: You have no idea.

Alan: [regarding Brad and Tara] They make a lovely couple, don't they? He has a nice tight ass, don't you think?

Agent Joseph Reynolds: This woman is under arrest for evasion of Federal income taxes.
[Alan stares at Melissa]
Melissa: Ooopsie.