"Pro-Ana" Lawyer: I guess we'll see each other in court.
Denny: [under his breath] Not if you turn sideways.

Alan: [closing statement] Ugh, please. It's a dumb freedom. An employee's behavior reflects on their employer, for God's sakes. In this case, we're talking about a business, a law firm, where clients look for good judgment, sound and sane counsel. This guy's running around talking about how humans evolved from a big clam after galactic warlords invaded our volcanoes. He's a nut-job. And I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of this whole "freedom of religion" thing. I mean, when did religion get such a good name anyway? Be it the Crusades, the Reformation Genocides, the troubles in Northern Ireland, Middle East, mass slaughters in the name of Allah, as well as the obligatory reciprocal retribution. Hundreds of millions of people have died in religious conflicts. Hitler did his business in the name of his Creator. 9/11 was an act of religious extremism. It is, in fact, our greatest threat today -- a Holy Jihad. And if we're not ready to strip religion of its sacred cow status, why don't we at least scale back a bit on the constitutional dogma exalting it as all get-out?
Sally Heep: Your Honor, I'd love to know what this has to with my client being fired.
Alan: Your client was fired because he entered into an at-will employment contract, he acted like a complete loon, and now he tries to cloak himself in a constitutional amendment that is as overplayed as it is misapplied. Everyone should get to believe in God. Pray to his God, worship his God -- of course. But to impose him on others, to victimize others in his name -- the Founding Fathers of this country set out to prevent persecution, not to license it. And for Jerry Espenson, struggling with his law practice to make ends meet, don't tell me he's not being victimized when one of his lawyers bounces around telling clients and other attorneys that according to his most recent electro-psycho-meter reading, he's getting closer to immortality, at which point he'll be able to leave his body and talk to zebras! At a certain point we have to say, "Enough with this 'freedom of religion' crap!" Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! [goes back to his seat] Yes, I know. I'll get letters.

Alan: [Referring to Jerry's legal problems and infatuation with a doll] I've got to get him help. My God, if you saw the way he hugged her.
Denny: Is she cute?
Alan: Denny, its a doll.
Denny: Oh, come on, don't tell me you've never gone to town with a doll.
Alan: [laughs] No, as a matter of fact. [pause] Have you?
[longer pause]
Alan: Denny...
Denny: Well, not just any doll. Well, I mean I'm not... ah, what's the word?
Alan: Peculiar?
Denny: But I suppose I've been with... a special doll.
Alan: Would I like her?
Denny: You want to meet her?

Alan: Admit it Shirley, you're drawn to me like Eve to the Serpent. Take me home and help me stretch my coil.
Shirley: Has that line actually worked?
Alan: It's working now.

Alan: �You'll recall I once advised you fleeing the practice of law because it's an ugly occupation which calls opponents participants to do ugly things. I'm very accomplished to the practice of law, Jerry.��

Alan: Denise, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Shirley. I happen to know sometimes grief can trigger the libido. It's got something to do with death causing a biological need to propagate the species. Evidently after 9-11, people were running around like rabbits.
Denise: Really? I did not know that.
Alan: If I could ever be of service...to help you cope.

Alan: Denise, you've always struck me as a woman who secretly longs to be debased. It's an awfully big job. But I feel I'm just the man to... do it.
Denise: Don't stop. I'm curious to see just how low you'll go.
Alan: All the way down. Again. And again. I see the filthy, naughty girl deep inside you, Denise, longing to get out. Now, if you're so unwilling to let her out, perhaps I should go in after her. I brought my snorkel.

Alan: Denny, I'm not going to presume you were paying attention in court today, were you?
Denny: In and out.
Alan: You were hung-over.
Denny: It happens!

Alan: Denny, I... Why do you have clothes pins on your ears?
Denny: Personal.

Alan: Denny, where is that doll?
Denny: The police took her in for questioning.
Alan: Shirley Schmidt-ho?
Denny: She'll be back.

Alan: Erica, before I pick up the phone, is there anything else I need to know?
Erica: Like?
Alan: Anything that could be construed as relevant.
Erica: Well. We were lovers.
[Jerry squeals]
Alan: That would be relevant.

Alan: Everyone here is named Denny Crane. These are just the ones within driving distance, of course, since airplane travel is not an option.

Alan: Excuse me, I realize you're new to this office but we have a zero-tolerance policy here when it comes to sexual harassment.
Claire: Ha! [points to Denny] Tubby over there groped me when I came off the elevator.
Alan: Did he grunt as he groped? Because I found as long as he's not grunting you're perfectly fine.

Alan: Hello.
Claire: I know who you are. You're a little horny toad. Horny toads give me warts. Hop away, horny toad.

Alan: I think we've just had our first three-way.
Denny: It didn't look like Shirley enjoyed it as much as we did. You know, she tasted differently than I remember...
Alan: [chuckles] That's because it was my slobber on her mouth, Denny. We've finally exchanged bodily fluids.
Denny: [quickly downs his glass of wine] Blech!