Alan: I'm a man of principle--or not--whatever the situation calls for.

Alan: If I should ever like to drive your car...
Denny: I toss you my keys.
Alan: If I should ever need any money...
Denny: My check is blank.
Alan: Or need to pick your brain...
Denny: My mind is blank.
Alan: Anything you have, or once did have, is there for me.
Denny: Except for Shirley. Keep your root away from Shirley.

Alan: Let me see your underwear, Denise.
Denise: Get out.

Alan: Mr. Tiggs did satisfy you didn't he?
Shirley: I'm under oath. It wasn't his best work.

Alan: My friend, one of my goals in life is to go to all the places you've gone.
Denny: Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.

Alan: Primetime wants you on during sweeps. They want you to eat Diane Sawyer.

Alan: Ready?
Jerry: I'm ready. I actually feel... calm. Of course, I'm medicated but... [smiles at his own joke]

Alan: Shirley, as lovely as the new case you sent me is and she is delightful. I just had Jerry Espenson last week, I need a break from this sort of thing.
Shirley: I'll get the new girl to help, she knows employment law.
Alan: You can't just assign me cases and girls. Girls, maybe.

Alan: Shirley, the truth is I only took this case to be in court with you. I enjoy your company. So, if I can't join you on cases, I'll just have to oppose you. Or I could just oppose you right now against the wall. That would certainly make me happy.
Denny: Bethany, Brad'll be your point-man here, if you need anything go to him. If you're not satisfied... you come to me.

Alan: The 9/11 commission, they dumped on you pretty good didn't they?
Linwood Winchell: Somewhat.
Alan: Somewhat?! A 'D' in port security, an 'F' in improving communications for first responders a 'D' in border security, an 'F' in aviation security, a 'D' in chemical plant security. These aren't passing grades Mr. Winchell.

Alan: We have geniuses in this country. True pioneers of innovation. Steve Jobs, Steven Wozniak, Steve Ballmer...if we could just round up some of our best Steves!

Alan: What are you doing?
Denny: The Secret.
Alan: Certainly you can tell me; I'm your flamingo.
Denny: No, no, no. The Secret. Haven't you heard? The law of attraction. Get with the program, man.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Denny: If you think positively, you become a magnet and pull in everything you want towards you.
Alan: Really?
Denny: I figure if I concentrate on world peace, maybe I can actually make it happen.
Alan: You're sitting here concentrating on world peace?
Denny: Oh, God, no. Gotta start smaller. I'm thinking Raquel Welch. Get her first, then go for peace.

Alan: What's my motivation?
Shirley: Excuse me?
Alan: My character's motivation. Surely you can't expect me to simply jump in and take this case!

Bella: Our breakup was very painful for me.
Denny: Me too, twelve stitches.

Bethany: [To Paul] What? You've never seen a smoking dwarf before?