Alan: I promise you. By the time I finish tomorrow, those judges - every last one of them - will rise up and say "Never mind executing Ezekiel Borns. Let's kill Alan Shore instead."

Alan: I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.

Alan: One last proposal that's entirely possible. I'm kidding by the way, depending upon your reaction-300,000 sealed, we kick back fifty to you under the table.
Attorney: Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney.
Alan: Really? Gosh, I am.
Attorney: I should report you directly to the bar, if not the district attorney.
Alan: Well, if that's how you feel, then I was kidding.

Alan: Shirley? [sighs] What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me...lusting, say, after you? Would there?
Shirley: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.

Alan: Shirley?
Shirley: Alan?
Alan: You're in the men's room again.
Shirley: I need a favor.
Alan: Certainly. My stall or yours?

Alan: So, shall we?
Tara: We shall. Do you have Morgan's address?
Alan: I do, but what I meant is, shall we continue where we left off last night?
Tara: In front of my building with you peeing in the planter?
Alan: I was about to burst. You should've let me come up.
Tara: That plant needed watering.

Alan: the though of giving representation to that thug...
Denny: come on, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate - it allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

Alan: Those three little words again...

Alan: What's your specialty?
Dr. Konigsberg: Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce, I've been working with him alone.
Alan: So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?

Alan: When a man turns 40, he begins to take measure of himself. I must admit I don't like what I see.
Tara: You're turning 43.
Alan: If you don't mind, I'm trying to appear vulnerable to facilitate my snorkeling up your thighbone later.
Tara: Alan? You boyfriend. Me girlfriend. You have a season's pass.
Alan: You're ruining the conquest part, which is all it's really about for me.

Alan: Why does Shirley get to skip the staff meetings?
Paul: She's got a trial in New York later this week, so she has a busy day.
Brad: Some of us have trials today, so if you don't mind, I'd like to cut out.
Lori: What's your case about, Brad?
Alan: What is it about?
Brad: It involves interference with contractual relations.
Alan: You mean...lesbians?
Paul: Where are you?
Brad: Today, they're calling Tracy to testify that her ex-lover was-
Alan: Lesbian ex-lover.
Brad: -to testify that Tracy was scamming her for money. Tracy was in fact not an actual bone-fide...
Alan: Lesbian?
Brad: You like saying it?
Alan: I do.
Brad: Say it again.
Alan: Lesbian.
Brad: Keep going.
Alan: LESBIAN! LESBIAN! Lez-bee-un. All together now!
All: Lesbian!
Alan: I also like to watch. How many people like to-
Paul: All right, that's enough, this is a staff meeting. I'll ask you all to conduct yourselves appropriately and professionally.
Catherine: Cookies everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.
Paul: Who is this woman?
Catherine: Take two, Tara, you're a rail.
(Later in the episode)
Alan: Hey Brad! All together now!
All: Lesbian!

Alan: You two have had sex!
Brad: We're not territorial about that sort of thing, are we?

Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: What if somebody wanted to get frozen to avoid the draft?
Denny: Let him move to Canada, freeze his balls off. [Judge James Billmeyer looks at him] Denny Crane!

Associate: Where the hell is Edwin?
Edwin Poole: [entering the room, wearing no pants] Sorry I'm late, good people.
Alan: Is it casual Monday?

Bernard Ferrion: Under normal circumstances I'd agree.
Catherine Piper: But?
Bernard Ferrion: I'm Jewish.
Catherine Piper: Bernie, there has never ever been a Jewish serial killer.
Bernard Ferrion: Son of Sam? David Berkowitz?
Catherine Piper: He was adopted. Genetically, he's one of ours.
Bernard Ferrion: Well, what are you saying?
Catherine Piper: I am saying that if you're out there murdering people, on some level, you must want to be Christian. Would you let me take you to church?