Denny: Lock and load. Where is everybody?
Paul: This is an administrative meeting, Denny.
Denny: Oh! Then what the hell am I doing here?
Shirley: Remember the good ole days when you liked to know what was going on? When you could go from your office to the elevator without a roadmap?
Denny: Didn't need a roadmap to find my way around your body, did I, Shirley?
Shirley: I wouldn't know. I was usually asleep.
Denny: I once had her...and Streisand...at the same time. Remember that?
Shirley: Hahhh, I do Denny. Ha ha. And not to burst your bubble, but that was a male impersonator. Perhaps the penis might have been your clue.

Denny: Mmmm! Everyone, this is the cake I want for my birthday.

Denny: Most of the Cranes in my family were flamingos.

Denny: My God, you're even more striking in person.
Kelly: Who is this man? And why is his face about to explode?
Alan: Kelly Nolan, this is Denny Crane. Success has caused his head to swell.

Denny: My murder case went away. You've still got yours. It just doesn't seem fair.
Alan: Nutty Lincoln didn't whack the judge?

Denny: Not everything is about money, Shirley. Sometimes sex counts, too. It used to count with you. One minute you couldn't get enough of me, the next you lose interest. What happened, Shirley? I need to know.
Shirley: They invented color television.
Denny: You and me. In my office. Gimme 2 minutes.
Shirley: If you could last 3 I might consider it.

Denny: Now, don't go knocking fat chicks! I love chubby-sex. [looks over at the female judge] I'm sure Your Honor does.

Denny: Objection. Your Honor, she's being...objectionable!
Judge: Sustained.

Denny: Oh please. If there were new guys they would have shown up in the season premiere.

Denny: One meeting.
Bethany: In these offices. I'll call it even.
Denny: Not quite. One condition. Take off your clothes.
Bethany: What!
Denny: Oh come on. That was the initial plan. We hit it off, eventually we get together, naked. Take off your clothes. Let me see that little package.
Bethany: You are the most disgusting, vulgar human being I have ever met.
Denny: You're right... Just the top then?

Denny: A meeting? Would I have to talk?
Bethany: You're much more impressive when you don't.

Denny: Right on my balcony.
Alan: It is not what you think.
Denny: I saw you. I heard you.
Alan: We were just talking.
[Denny storms from the room]
Alan: Oh dear.

Denny: Sally, that was not a pleasant meeting. Typically when associates are unhappy, I give them a hug.
Sally: I don't want a hug, Mr. Crane.
Denny: Okay. May I have one?

Denny: Seriously, do I act like I'm the only one in the room?
Alan: Denny, one of the things I love about you is when we talk, often it's as if you're not even in the room.

Denny: She's always ogling me.
Shirley: Yes, putting reality aside...

Denny: Shirley, this is a sweeps episode.
Shirley: I'm not kissing you.