Denny: I prefer to be alone. Please leave.
Alan: Why?
Denny: No reason.
Alan: If you were to guess at a reason?
Denny: If I were to guess, I'd say maybe I don't want to socialize with a pinko liberal Democrat commie.
Alan: Ahh.

Denny: I still am Denny Crane.

Denny: I wish I was never great...because I remember.

Denny: I wonder if sometimes I get married just to have someone listen to my stories again.
Alan: Not a terrible reason.

Denny: I'll have that jury eating out of my lap.
Alan: Hand.

Denny: I'll take a friend over a wife every time.

Denny: I'm going to take you to my spa. I'm going to empty your bucket.

Denny: I'm sorry, your honor. I have mad cow disease. I think you do, too.

Denny: I've often found that it's the chubby girls who offend most easily.

Denny: If she tries to pee standing up, come and get me. [after closing the door to the stall] Lock and load!

Denny: Indigent are poor. Hate the poor. Can't pay.

Denny: Is that how you plan to try this case?
Alan: Don't start with me, Denny, all right?
Alan: Do you have any idea how many people die every day from cigarettes?
Denny: Oh, please. What else is new? Tobacco kills. Big deal.
Alan: Did you just say "big deal?"
Denny: Well, it's old news.
Alan: First of all, it's not just old news. It's absolutely current. The tobacco industry is more powerful today-
Denny: It's boring!
Alan: What, have we all just been desensitized? Smoking kills. Whatever. We've all just gone numb.
Denny: Why'd you say that? Who told you I went numb.
Alan: ...
Denny: Who said that?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Denny: You damn well know... Did she call you?
Alan: Denny, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. So why don't you tell me? You have been in a bad mood all day. What is up?
Denny: Nothing's up. That's the problem. My junk doesn't work.
Alan: I beg your pardon.
Denny: I went back to the captain's quarters with one of the girls from the hot tub. My junk failed me.
Alan: Oh.
Denny: I'm done, Alan.
Alan: D-Denny-
Denny: I wish I were dead. I'd have made a better showing with rigor mortis. Dead. Done. It's over.

Denny: It's fun being me. Is it fun being you?
Alan: Most of the time actually.
Denny: Then what else is there?
Alan: Indeed.

Denny: It's gonna get ugly, Shirley.
Shirley: Denny Crane ugly.
Denny: Hmm-mm.

Denny: Let the games begin, small fry.