[After talking with John's father, Fred]
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: I'm just relieved to know Becker has a father: I was always under the impression he was raised by wolves.
Jake Malinak: Yeah, really pissy wolves!

[Anita walks out of Becker's bathroom]
Bob: Wait a minute, you're with him!? If your self-esteem is that low, maybe you and I should talk!

[Becker and Reggie are stuck on a flight to Buffalo, pretending to be married and Becker is being stalked by an amorous flight attendent]
Reggie: Hey, get your claws off my husband, AND GET ME MY DAMN NUTS!
Becker: I want a divorce.

[Becker is buried up to his neck in fake snow]
Kid: Are you Mr. Angry Head?
Dr. John Becker: That's Doctor Angry Head.

[Becker is eating lunch in the diner]
Dr. John Becker: What's with the toothpick? What are you, Neil Armstrong, claiming this burger in the name of all mankind?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: It's a garnish! Sue me, I'm trying to give the place a lift!
Dr. John Becker: Well if that's what you're after, why don't you try scraping the grime off the walls and emptying the dead bugs out of the light fixtures?
Jake Malinak: I dunno, John, it kinda dresses things up! I like it!
Dr. John Becker: Like it? You can't even see it! You didn't think of that, did you Reggie!? I mean, Jake here could put his eye out with one of these things, or I could puncture the roof of my mouth!
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: This puncture, would it shut you up for a couple of days!?

[Becker opens his door to two Jehovah's Witnesses]
Jehovah's Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
John Becker: Depends. Are you two gonna be there?
Jehovah's Witness: Why yes- [Becker slams the door]'

[Becker receives an unusual package]
Dr. John Becker: What the hell is this!? It's cold, it's packed in dry ice...
Chris Connor: Maybe it's the heart you always wanted.

[Becker storms into the diner]
Dr. John Becker: Well it's official, they finally turned New York into a police state! I'm driving to work, and like I do every morning when I get to the corner of White Plains Road and Lester Avenue, I turn right- and I know it's a one way street but I only go twenty five yards before I take a shortcut down this alley! Today, some idiot of a cop is lying in wait for me, and he tickets me for an illegal urn, broken tailight, no seatbelt, and oh yeah, no rear-view mirror! I'M GOING THE WRONG WAY DOWN A ONE-WAY STREET, THERE'S NOTHING BEHIND ME!

[Becker storms into the diner]
Dr. John Becker: You know what I hate!?
Jake Malinak: Who's got the list?

[Becker walks into Ming's Chinese restaurant]
Dr John Becker: Hey, Ming! How's it going, buddy?
Ming: Becker, there are 5000 Chinese restaurants in this town. You wanna be a buddy, try one of them!
Dr John Becker: Nice attitude there. Is that how you treat all your good customers!?
Ming: When you come in at 5:59 just to get the 'Early Bird Special', and then use so many coupons I end up owing you money, you're not a good customer, you're a pain in my ass!

[Becker walks into the diner]
Dr. John Becker: You guys see the paper this morning?
Jake Malinak: John, we keep going over this. I'm blind. I haven't seen anything for five years.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well it's unbelievable. Some kid in West Virginia gets a bad grade, grabs his daddy's rifle and shoots out his teacher's tyres. Another slice of Americana brought to you by those card-carrying lunatics who think they're defending the Second Amendment! Lord knows when I want the Constitution explained to me, the first place I turn to is some toothless cretin with a third-grade education and an Elmer Fudd cap! Not that I have anything against hunting; if it makes you feel more like a man to blow Bambi's head off, knock yourself out! Just lock up the damn gun so when little Billy Bob, you know, flunks gym, he doesn't throw a hissy fit and take out half the faculty!
Jake Malinak: Reg, we gotta get to the paper before he does so we can cut out everything that'll piss him off!
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: That pretty much leaves the weather and Charlie Brown.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, you know I hate that pathetic little clod! How hard is it to kick a damn football?!

[Becker's cousin Barry has come into the diner]
Jake Malinak: So you knew John as a kid?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Let me ask you a question-
Barry Becker: Exactly the same. He just bitched in a higher voice!

[Becker's patient is Richard Hatch, winner of Survivor: Borneo]
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker.
[he and Richard shake hands]
Richard Hatch: Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem.
Dr. John Becker: Uh, why don't we just talk first.
Richard Hatch: Okay.
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?
Richard Hatch: No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico?
Richard Hatch: No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae...
Dr. John Becker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you?
Richard Hatch: Hey, some of the other people there ate rats.
Dr. John Becker: Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that?
Richard Hatch: It was for "Survivor."
Dr. John Becker: "Survivor?"
Richard Hatch: You know, the contest? The show? It was on television.
Dr. John Becker: Television? Oh, my God! You know, what is this world coming to? People are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God! You know, TV has become nothing more than the... the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots! Don't they have better things to do than to debase themselves coast to coast?
Richard Hatch: Well, I won.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please. I mean, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect?
Richard Hatch: A million dollars?
Dr. John Becker: Now, h-h-how could I get involved with something like that? Is that something that any... just anybody...
[the scene fades out]

[Bob is furious about not getting any appreciation for being the apartment building's superintendent]
Bob: I'm telling you, if I don't get a tip from one of those lousy tenants soon, I'm shutting off their heat!
Jake: That oughta make you real popular!
Bob: Yeah? Screw 'em! I can't guarantee a white Christmas, but for some of those old farts, it's gonna be a blue one!

[Bob is trying to get reparations for being 1/64th Native American]
Bob: You people have no idea what it's like to be discriminated against!
Jake Malinak: Yeah, I'm a blind black man, we just SAIL through life.