Megan: John, guess what? I left my husband. After all this time, we can finally be together!
Becker: I hate this dream! [slams the door in her face]

Melvin Goaler: So you would consider yourself to be a good friend of his?
Anita: I would say so, yes.
Goaler: Uh, one more question, Miss Gilbert: is it true you're a prostitute?
Anita: I don't see what that has to do with this case.
Goaler: What's the matter? You're ashamed to admit you're a prostitute?
Anita: No more ashamed than you should be to admit you're a lawyer!
Goaler:[somewhat chastened] No further questions.

Melvin: And when you say Dr. Becker, who are you referring too?
Vinny Deluca: [points to Becker] That man there.
[courtroom gasps]
Dr. John Becker: Oh, come on, who didn't know that already?

Mr. Ehrlich: So, anyway, Dr. Becker, I just feel off. Everything hurts.
Dr. John Becker: As I've been saying, Mr. Ehrlich, it's all part of the flu.
Mr. Ehrlich: I've got chills and a fever. Even my legs are achey,
Dr. John Becker: All part of the flu.
Mr. Ehrlich: My nose is stuffy, I have no energy.
Dr. John Becker: Part of the flu!
Mr. Ehrlich: Then there's the sweats, mostly at night.
Dr. John Becker: The flu!
Mr. Ehrlich: I think that's why they call them night sweats. What caused them?
Dr. John Becker: [shouts] It's the flu! For God's sake, Mr. Ehrlich, what's the matter with you?!
Mr. Ehrlich: I don't know, I think I caught a bug.
Dr. John Becker: [storms out]

Mr. Garland: I can't believe it.
Dr. John Becker: I know, it's a horrible mistake. I can only imagine what you've been through, you know, but the good news is you're fine.
Mr. Garland: The hell I am! I've been living the last two weeks like I only got two weeks left to live! If I'm not dying, I'm a dead man!

Mr. Garland: So, did you get the test results? Am I really dying?!
Dr. John Becker: Mr. Garland, sometimes, no matter how hard we try--
Mr. Garland: (disappointed) I'm gonna live?

Mr. Humphries: Tonight, I want you to read this.
Dr. John Becker: "10,000 reasons to smile"? Puppies, rainbows... this is 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus!
Mr. Humphries: My grandson bought that for me, but if you don't like it, then, here, read this.
Dr. John Becker: "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Mr. Humphries: It's about a younger man who visits an older man in the hospital.
Dr. John Becker: We don't need to read this book, we're living it right now!
Mr. Humphries: The younger man has a *positive* outlook on life. You got a problem with "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Dr. John Becker: No, I got no problem with Tuesday. It's every other day of the week that's giving me trouble!

Mr. Morello: Come on my other doctor wouldn't prescribe anymore, I need this stuff! With Viagra I'm like a 17 years old boy again.
Dr. John Becker: Look, Viagra is a treatment for a specific and a very serious condition. Ever since it came out, I have had every middle age lothario with hair growing out of his ears sleazing in here begging for a booster shot. Do you think I'm gonna hand you a loaded gun so you can go out on a rampage? You're outta your mind pall!
Mr. Morello: Come on! Doc! I was married for 15 years, I feel like I've been on the bench forever now I'm back in the game. Please doc, give me the bat!
Dr. John Becker: You just ruined baseball for me, you know that?

Mr. Schmalen: Hey doc, are we playing chess today or should I just go screw myself?
Dr. John Becker: Nah.. we'll finish the game. Aha! Got your rook!
Mr. Schmalen: Aha! Checkmate!
Dr. John Becker: You beat me, how did you do that?
Mr. Schmalen: I have a nephew, 38, we have to pin his bus pass to his sleeve, he could beat you.

Mr. Stoler: I don't need these pills. This test confirms everything I believe in.
Dr. John Becker: Damn it, this is what pisses me off about you people. You people find religion and think that you have all the answers!
Mr. Stoler: Don't doctors think they have all the answers?
Dr. John Becker: I *do* have all the answers!

Patient: See, I've got to keep my skin perfect. I'm a dancer.
Dr. John Becker: Ah! Broadway?
Patient: No. Lap.

Patient: What if I do get that disease? How will I know?
Dr. John Becker: All right. Here. (gives him the reflex hammer) Home test kit.

Patient: While I'm here, there was something on the news last night about five warning signs. I definitely have three of them: fatigue, sore joints, and disorientation.
Dr. John Becker: Hold on. Five warning signs for what?
Patient: I don't know. I walked into the room after the program started. I just have this feeling that something's terribly wrong with me.
Dr. John Becker: Well, no argument here.

Patient: [guest star Mary Steenburgen, Ted Danson's real-life wife] You arrogant bastard, if I say I know the Roosevelts, I know the Roosevelts.
[leaves the office]
Dr. John Becker: I pity the poor bastard who's married to her.
Assorted episodes

Radiator Repairman: Hey, doc? When was the last time you got it serviced?
Dr. John Becker: Excuse me?
Radiator Repairman: Your system. How long's it been since you blew your pipes out?