Beavis: You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks? Sometimes I look at one of these little straws, and I go, 'This sucks'.
Butt-head: Huh huh, this is cool.
Beavis: One thing about gym class....it sucks. Okay, now I'm gonna like...juggle.
Butt-head: Go for it, Beavis!
Beavis: This is gonna be cool. [holds up a newspaper and lights it on fire]fire! fire!

Beavis: You know one cool thing about having a big wiener, it's like, it's like, it protects your nads, you know?
Butt-head: Uh...
Beavis: It's like, it acts as a shield.
Butt-head: I guess. But getting kicked in the wiener is no picnic either, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, but it doesn't hurt as bad, Butt-head. Trust me. Here, I'll demonstrate.
[Beavis kicks Butt-head in the groin, causing Butt-head to cry out in pain]
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!
Beavis: Oh, I forgot! You have a small wiener!
Butt-head: Ugh [coughs].
Beavis: You don't have any "nad protection"! Yeah, that was cool!
Butt-head: [coughing] Beavis, as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you. Buttknocker!
Beavis: Butt-head. I'm gonna kick you in the nads again! Don't call me that!
Butt-head: You wussy....
Grim Reaper, Fear No Evil [both are laughing]

Beavis: You know the guy that comes out, and he goes "Twelve chocolate cakes", and then he, like, falls on his butt, and the cakes spill all over the place? That was pretty cool.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. That was kinda cool.

Beavis: You know what this band is called? It's called 7 Year BITCH!
Butt-head: It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.
Beavis: Also, it helps when [suave voice] they're sexy! Yeah! Ooh, that's a fine lady! These are some fine ladies!

Beavis: You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player...Monica Phallus.
Butt-head: How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?
Beavis: Um, well you know, I like to watch the Wilbumdon. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ��Stiffy.'
Butt-head: Oh yeah, Stiffy Graf.

Beavis: You know what this video needs, it needs like, a toilet
Butt-head: Why would they put a toilet in here, Beavis? It doesn't have anything to do with toilets. It's about...uhh...I don't know.
Beavis: I don't care.

Beavis: You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he would change his last name to Hunt?
Butt-head: Uh...why would that be funny?
Beavis: ...I don't know, actually.
Butt-head: Dumbass.
Ween, Freedom of '76

Beavis: You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.
Butt-head: Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!
Butt-head: There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.
Beavis: This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.

Beavis: You know who else Pamela Anderson boffed, is, uh, Scott Baio.
Butt-head: Uhh, really?

Beavis: You know, a while ago when Coolio said "I see myself in the pistol smoke", he stole that from Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Alice Cooper, Lost in America

Beavis: You know, another cool ride to jump off of is the Haunted House. I used to like, go in there, and jump off the car. Then I'd go over by the witches and wait 'til the next car comes, and then I'd put a broom up my butt and go "Poopapoo!".
Butt-head: Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs.
Beavis: Really? I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter. I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.
Butt-head: Uhh...you're just joking, right?
Beavis: Um...no.
Foo Fighters, I'll Stick Around

Beavis: You know, I heard this Hole chick is a slut.
Butt-head: Really?
Beavis: Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.
Butt-head: Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! [Beavis' eyes widen] YEAH!

Beavis: You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.
Butt-head: Yeah, me too! I'd like to have sex with her. That would rule! Check it out. Madonna's always having sex with herself in these videos.
Beavis: Yeah, that's what I meant too. That would kick ass!

Beavis: You know, I wasn't feeling very good when this song started...um, I feel pretty good now! Feeling pretty happy; shiny.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! You're a miserable piece of crap.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'm happier than you.
Butt-head: No way, Beavis! You're miserable because nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything...
Beavis: Yeah, but um, I'm hung like a horse!
Radiohead, Fake Plastic Trees

Beavis: You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uhh, okay.
Beavis: Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Butt-head: Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.
Beavis: No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [sings] "The grass was greener..." and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - "Wha-ha!" - and then I would score.
Butt-head: Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.
Beavis: Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just...just shut up, you always mess up my...my dreams! Butthole!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.