Stan: Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden!

Stan: Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.
Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Stan: Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]
Francine: Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]

Stan: Pen-gun, mightier than the sword.
Stan: [holding sword, blade folds to reveal a barrel] Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun.

Stan: Quick!, cover your mouth. Thats how they enter your body to lay their eggs

Stan: So you know that Bullock claims to know everything. Well he didn't know his mother had cancer untill it was too late to operate.
Public: *shocked* OH!
Stan: Hahahahaha...

Stan: So, Barry, want to wind down by watching the best movie ever, Red Dawn?
Barry: I'm Barry!

Stan: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.

Stan: Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.
Roger: Wow, that's really, really boring.
Stan: I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.
Roger: Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.
Hayley: Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.
Roger: What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan, I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.
Hayley: You care about the Eskimos?
Roger: Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Stan: Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?" (Laughs) Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.
Steve: Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint?! Yeah, I'd rather die.

Stan: Steve, I can't believe you're here! [he and his friend are doing chemistry] The Schwartzstein's house is going off. It's like a damn Ludacris video; pimp cups, shorties, it's all crunked out.
Steve: We're quantifying the molecular--
Stan: Steve, if you're gonna crawl out this geek squad, you gotta log some time with the cool kids. Now get goin'! I'd-uh-ditch Fatty and Dim Sum on the way here; they're gonna blow the ratio.

Stan: There is one person I would like to thank... [Francine stands up] Karl Rove! [wolf howls while Francine looks down in disappointment] Karl, come up here.
[Karl moves into the church doorway and he begins to emit smoke, screaming in pain. He then stands back.]
Karl: I'm good here. My work is done! [transforms into a swarm of bats and flies off]

Stan: These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our time. [pointing out the various wigs] The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... [looks directly at the audience] Stay tuned.
Hayley: Those are terrible!
Stan: Hey, girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!

Stan: This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
Hayley: What?!
Stan: Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!

Stan: Well, if you're ever taken hostage by, say, a neighbor, and you end up on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this [blinks quickly as an example] and I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.
Steve: But then I'd be dead.
Stan: Oh, c'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist....Well she must be at least sixteen by now. You could totally hit that!