American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes



Stan: What makes you think you're going to survive?
Roger: My species is immune to all human ailments.
Stan: So explain that cold sore.
Roger: Mind your own business!

Stan: You get back here, Hayley! No? Well, I didn't want to had to use this, but-- Rhubarb!
Francine: "Rhubarb"?
Stan: Hmm, that's her trigger word; I had her brainwashed at five. She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take. [a zoned-out Steve walks by in the background with a sniper rifle]

Steve Smith: All periods will now be called Steves.
[shift to a classroom scene]
Boy #1: [to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?
Boy #2: Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
Teacher: [to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.
Girl: Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.

Steve: Can I see your boobs?
Angelina Jolie/God: I must warn you. Those who've stared into the bosom of eternal wisdom have been driven hopelessly insane.
Steve: Wow. Now I have to see them!

Steve: (to Barry) Hey, that's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate. You can't touch that. You know how much that'll be worth in a few months when she's dead?

Steve: Damn your experimental steroids!
Stan: It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.
Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! [pulls front of bathrobe] I have boobs!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Klaus: I know. Talk about a butterface.

Steve: [after holding hands with Betsy] I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!

Steve: Funny, I always wanted a pool filled with cherry Jell-O. Well, in the end I got it. I got a lot of other things on my rise to stardom. Women... respect... that joke about the ten-inch pianist... Can't believe I never got that before.

Steve: How come all the women are dressed like ninjas?
Hayley: They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here.
Stan: It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why wouldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs.

Steve: I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
Francine: Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.

Steve: I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink, Dad!
Stan: Oh, come on. What's more important? Your hopes and dreams or me making more than your mother?

Steve: I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
Francine: Aw... Now why would you say that?
Steve: Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
Francine: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work, or mow the lawn, or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
Steve: Hey, maybe until Dad get better, I can clean the gutters.
Francine: That's creepy, honey.

Steve: So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring, as boring as a bad metaphor. Or simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.

Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stan: That's right. Or angels will kill you.

Steve: Toshi, you have a video camera, right?
Toshi: [subtitled] You assume this because I am Asian. You are a racist.
Steve: Wow, that's a lot of words for of course.