Paul: This is a conservative top, Jenna. And I hate to be the stereotypical man, but this is my home and I want to wear this blouse.
Season 6

Paul: Yawns are contagious. Like all the Thai STDs my penis is about to give you.

Pete: Last time I taught, I was like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society--by which I mean I got fired.

Pete: So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.
Liz: No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

Phoebe: You know how John Lennon was better than all the rest of the Beatles but he never realized it until he met Yoko? Well I'm gonna be Jack's Yoko!
Liz: You want to be Yoko?!

Priest: Don't you have faith?
Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.
Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.
Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. [jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.
Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.
Jack: I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.
Priest: Then... what brought you here tonight?
Jack: What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?
Priest: [weakly] Come on, man...

Random Congressman at meeting: I can't support that. Dam is a swear word. I'd support it if instead of dam we called it a "god finger".
Season 3

Regina Bookman: The FUTURE. And AMERICA. Now I may have lost my train of thought SEVERAL minutes ago, but if I continue to TALK LIKE THIS, no one will NOTICE, and when I STOP, you will APPLAUD my ENERGY! Thank you!

Stacy Keach: ...That's why I buy Bazooka Joe Gum. It's like chewing a mountain that someone shot a Freeze-Ray into.

Thad: And you � you were the star of The Sound of Music.
Liz: Thank you. Not everyone thinks of the young Nazi boy as the star of that show.

Tracy: Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.

Tracy: [regarding his ankle bracelet alcohol monitoring device] Maybe I'll just compromise: go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want!

Tracy: A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Tracy: And finally, I'd like to thank you, Pacific Rimmers, for all that you've given us: karaoke, karate, and most of all... WANIZAME ATAKKU! SHARK ATTACK!

Tracy: Black people, don't vote! Did you know that in the amount of time it takes to vote you could play three games of pool? Three! Now that's fresh.