Colleen: [referring to Phoebe] All right, scout's honor, what do you think of her?
[Jack gives Liz a look]
Liz: She's very well-read... and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a... white geisha.

Colleen: Tell him his mother's here! ...And she loves him! ...But not in a queer way!
Season 2

Dennis: [Reading from a letter] Dear Liz Lemon: While other women have bigger boobs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the ‘86 World Series, I cried... I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we'd be together forever. But there's a new thing called "women's liberation," which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights. I'll always love you. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you.

Dennis: Hi. Dennis Duffy, Beeper King.
Jack: The Beeper King, really?
Liz: Dennis has his own business. Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful.
Dennis: You've probably seen my ads on the seven train, right?
Jack: I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.
Liz: It's cod, it's uh, they made it special. Dennis has some dietary restrictions.
Dennis: Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried, you know.
Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.
Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.
Jack: Does he know you're the Beeper King?
Dennis: I don't think so.
Liz: Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.
Dennis: Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.
Liz: No rat talk tonight, okay.
Dennis: [to Jack] You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
Jack: I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.

Dot Com: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk now.
Kenneth: Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?

Floyd: If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots, then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.

Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

Jack: Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.
Conan: I don't know. He's kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don't try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care.
Conan: That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What's the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, Red.

Jack: Devon, what can I do for you?
Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.
Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.
Devon: Yeah? Well you should be.
Jack: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.
Devon: Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.
Jack: No, Devon. I don't do that.

Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want all of our love letters.
Bianca: [laughing] Fine.
Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Bianca: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.

Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.
Kenneth: Thank you, sir!
Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

Jack: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.

Jack: I've asked Tracy to join me at G.E. Golf tournament in Connecticut.
Liz: Was Courtney Love not available?

Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.
Liz: I'm twelve years younger than you.
Jack: A woman your age then.

Jack: That's where Donaghy Estates comes in. Now as you may have read in Robert Parker's Wine Newsletter, "Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus."