Kelsey Grammer (performing as Abraham Lincoln): I know that future generations will forge a stronger country, and that, someday, America will be a place... where everybody knows your name.

Kenneth: [about coffee] I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!

Kenneth: [about his pig] She went crazy! She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed the squirrels.

Kenneth: [Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels!
Jack: I know, Kenneth. It's okay.
Kenneth: I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?
Jack: You're darn right he is, Kenneth.

Kenneth: A Mr. Brett 'Fav-ray' stopped by and, uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog.
Jenna: Finally.
Kenneth: Oh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them.
Jenna: So I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine?
Kenneth: Also, your pharmacy called, and apparently you can't get a prescription for ecstasy.
Jenna: Ugh, thanks, Obamacare!

Kenneth: Alcohol? This smells like Hill-people milk. I've been drinking this since I was a baby!"

Kenneth: Badger, it's another Badger, the third Badger has taken the bait.
Liz Lemon: Why is everyone codenamed Badger?
Kenneth: I thought you said you wanted to do it this way.
Liz Lemon: No, I said I didn't care.

Kenneth: I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
Angie: Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband any more, so... you can come over anytime.
Kenneth: Oh, I will! I'll come over at night.

Kenneth: I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.
Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?
Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!
Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?
Kenneth: Four thousand dollars!

Kenneth: Miss Lemon, are you okay? Aw! You smell like when the Stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire, and then swept through the downtown manure district. It was our fault for letting those high schoolers dance at their prom.

Kenneth: Mr. Baker wants to do everything for himself. I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you if was very important, but Tishonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone, and she's offering three free months of Showtime, but we have to act now!

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me?
Jenna: Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick.
Tracy: We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.
Jenna: But after he stabilized we decided we'd get them all hot soup.
Tracy: So... go do that.
Kenneth: Oh, all the other pages have gone home sick, I can't make any runs right now. Maybe the two of you could go get the soup.
[long pause]
Jenna: I don't understand.
Kenneth: Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet...
Tracy: My what?!
Kenneth: ...and go downstairs to the basement...
Tracy: No!
Kenneth: ...and you go to the soup place, and bring the soup back up here...
Tracy: With what? My arms?
Kenneth: ...make sure to take your IDs with you.
Tracy: That'll be the worst part!

Kenneth: Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.
Jack: That's Republican. We count those.

Kenneth: Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called; they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.
Liz: I sure am.
Kenneth: And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you.
Liz: That's his opinion.