Kenneth: Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.

Kenneth: So Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?
Jack: I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?
Kenneth: No sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.
Jack: You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as a page just like you.
Kenneth: Really? So did I!
Jack: You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.
Kenneth: Ok. What kinds of questions?
Jack: I'll write them down for you. You call him and tell him you have two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight. Now Kenneth, have you ever used bronzer?

Kenneth: The Empire State Building will be lit in the color of your choosing.
Tracy: Clear.
Kenneth: Sea World will now let you borrow a killer whale for spring break.
Tracy: I'll need a whale saddle.
Kenneth: And Steven Spielberg wants you to star is his next movie.
Tracy: Kate Capshaw's husband?!

Liz Lemon: Word of advice: If the will says you have to spend the night in a haunted house you better hope that everyone else there is black guys and sluts.

Liz: [about Kenneth] Well, it was nice of you to let him keep his job.
Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct. In five years we'll all either be working for him... [Kenneth happily bikes away] or be dead by his hand.

Liz: [after seeing "Tracy" sitting in the middle of the hallway] Tracy, get out of the hallway.
Tracy: [jumps out from around the corner] OR AM I?
Liz: Oh God, this dream again.
Tracy: That's not me. That's a Tracy Jordan Japanese Sex Doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.

Liz: [Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.
Jack: I heard you singing "Night Cheese". Lemon, I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing; his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild.
Elisa: [sneaks in] I'm sure it was!
Liz: How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?!

Liz: ‘Cause living a lie will eat you up inside. Like that parasite I got from eating sushi on Amtrak.

Liz: Come on, my card only has a 1 in 52 chance of getting picked anyway.
Tracy: How did you know that? You're like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground?
Liz: Zero.
Tracy: We need to go to Vegas.

Liz: Do I look okay?
Cerie: That's exactly how you look.

Liz: Do not write another sketch with Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television.

Liz: Doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York, it's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.

Liz: For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice, but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.

Liz: Hello, I'm sorry, may I speak to Floyd, please?... Oh, he's in the shower... I am conducting a survey for the Ranford Group, and, uh, how old are you? ...And your weight? ...And when was the last time you had intercourse? ...Who is this? Who is you? I is your worst nightmare, is who I is.

Liz: Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? [pointing both thumbs at herself] This moi.