Herb: Uh, Les, this is Herb speaking. Now, I just want you to know that...if you jump, I'll jump too.
Les: Thanks, Herb.

Jennifer: Mr. Carlson, I have to go to lunch now.
Mr. Carlson: O-Okay, fine.
Mrs. Carlson: Uh, Jennifer. Who answers the phone when you're at lunch?
Jennifer: Usually I just leave it off the hook.
Mrs. Carlson: You think that's wise?
Jennifer: I don't know. It was Mr. Carlson's idea.

Jennifer: Mr. Carlson.
Mr. Carlson: What?
Jennifer: You're being childish about this.
Mr. Carlson: I am not. Boy, is this gonna make my momma mad.

Johnny: [Horrified] Look man, I've been in jail in Mexico. My father called me what's-his-face for seventeen horrifying years. My second wife tried to kill me with a Ronco Vegematic! My mother and I were in a tornado once. We were in a mobile home, and I think God must really hate mobile homes, Andy, cuz tornadoes always attack them first. They get very mobile.

Johnny: All right fellow babies, that was the Doors, and this is sort of Johnny Fever, kind of Doctor. And after [slurs] nine drinks, Venus Flytrap is catatonic, and I myself have personally just seen a giant pig. He is currently painting the walls of our lobby.
Officer: He is obviously drunk, ladies and gentlemen.
Johnny: Yes, he is, and I'm not feeling badly myself.

Johnny: All right, Cincinnati shape up cause it's time for your morning check up. The Doctor is on duty. I have just returned from personally supervising an extensive research project involving West Coast vegetable worship cults and the cure's here babies. That's right. Doctor Johnny Fever is back and I'm on call every morning on WKRP in Cincinnati!

Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get down! You've got Johnny... Dr. Johnny Fever, and I am burning up in here! WHOA! We ALL in critical condition babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, 'cause I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet! Now I am talking about your 50,000-watt intensive CARE unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears REAL wide and say "Give it to me straight, doctor, I can take it!" I almost forgot, fellow babies... BOOGER!

Johnny: I'm telling you, free coffee is a constitutional right! Just look it up - Juan Valdez versus the state of California!

Johnny: Right now I'd like to describe some of the incredible action that's going on down here. A man we believe might be a customer has just come from freshening up, and it looks like he's... leaving. No, wait a minute, he's paused there, maybe he's going to chat with Del Murdock, personable owner of Del's Stereo and Sound... yes he is, maybe he's going to buy something, and he's...no, no, he's pulled out a gun...uh, for any policemen who might be listening, apparently we're being held up here at Del's Stereo and Sound...

Johnny: The Doctor is not feelin' too good today. The Doctor was a bad boy last night. The Doctor overmedicated!
Season 2

Johnny: The time is 6:07 in the morning, and it's time for this message.
Commercial: Wouldn't a delicious, ice-cold beer taste particularly good right now? Sure it would!
Johnny: Sure it would.

Les: Bailey, you're his friend. What do you really know about Venus?
Bailey: You promise not to tell?
Les: I swear.
Bailey: Well, uh... you're gonna think this is a little crazy at first, but uh... I think he's black.

Les: In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument.

Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R ... P!! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight. The ‘copter seems to be circling the parking area now, I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of the helicopter! It's, uh, a dark object. Perhaps a skydiver. Plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air. A second, a third! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is just terrible! The crowd is running around pushing each other! Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Honestly, folks I don't know how much longer... the crowd is running for their lives.
[The radio transmission cuts off.]
Johnny: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les, isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Les: This is news, Sternworthy.
Howard Sernworthy: Which makes it all the more surprising that you're here.