Sister Louise: My family dropped me off at a convent when I was three. Yeah, they told me that I was going to the zoo. I was so excited. They dressed me up, gave me a lollipop. All I wanted to do was see the penguins. Ironic, isn't it?

Val: I'm wearing your dirty bathwater in a vial around my neck.
Jack: Okay. Time to go psycho!

Will: Did I just scream like a woman?
Grace: Don't flatter yourself. You scream like a girl.

Will: First of all they'll give you a payment plan, which you won't follow. Then they'll garnish your wages, which you don't have. Then they'll take away everything you own... which would be your gym membership. Then... finally, they will put you in jail.
Jack: No, no, no. They can't put me in jail, 'cause since I never started paying my taxes, I can continue not paying them. I saw that on television.
Will: On what? The Delusional Channel?

Will: He's using my new Chantal sauté pan with a metal-edged spatula. There is no way a crêpe is ever going to slide off that again.
Grace: Wow, you are more gay before 9 a.m. than most people are all day.
Season 4

Will: Hey, that guy looks suspicious. He's in a gay bar eating a hot dog without any irony.

Will: Hide the crucifixes. Beelzebooze is here.
Karen: Ha ha. Oh, honey. I got a fake laugh with your name all over it.

Will: Holy hangover, Batgirl. How fun was last night?
Grace: So fun. Naomi and Kai know all the best clubs.
Will: Yeah. Who'd have thought that after 2 a.m., Tiki Donuts becomes a Latino drag queen bar?
Grace: I forget... Is "chocolate éclair" the name of a donut or one of the performers?
Will: Why are you screaming at me? Yech. [puts his head in the sink under running water]
Grace: [looking down her shirt] Oh, my God. When did I get my nipple pierced?
Will: [looking down Grace's shirt] That's your earring.
Grace: [Pulling ring out] Not right. So what time are we hooking up with them tonight?
Will: Midnight. It's gonna be wild.
Grace: This whole week has been wild.
Will: I know. They're crazy.
Grace: They're fantastic.
Will: I hate them.
Grace: Me, too.

Will: I got a call from my friend at the I.N.S. yesterday, and apparently the marriage between a 30-year-old gay man and a postmenopausal Salvadoran maid flagged something in their computer.
Karen: Okay, are we done yet?
Will: No. Look, they're gonna start making random visits to verify that Jack and Rosario are a real married couple. So since their official residence is listed as your place, I think the best thing would be for Jack to move into your penthouse.
Jack: I just adore a penthouse view! Ooh, my very own sexless marriage. Just like Will and Grace.
Will: No, not like Will and Grace. We don't even live together any more. She's got her own apartment.
Jack: Eight dysfunctional feet away.
Karen: Lord, they're like Siamese twins who are joined at their boring personalities.

Will: I'm hungry.
Grace: I'm thirsty.
Karen: I could hump a tree.

Will: Jack, this isn't like the pound, where you can take home the one that wags his tail at you... Or some gay bar where you can... take home the one that wags his tail at you.

Will: Let me try to explain this in terms you'll understand. I'm tequila. [Will picks up small bottles on Karen's desk.]
Karen: Oh, I'm liking this story better already!
Will: These are my friends: gin, vodka, and scotch. [Scottish accent] Hello, Karen!
Karen: Hiya, kids.
Will: Now. You got an emergency. You want a Bloody Mary. You've poured yourself a thimble of tomato juice. Who you gonna call? Me? Tequila?
Karen: What is this crazy talk? I want my vodka!
Will: Exactly. So from now on, you only call tequila when you have a legal problem.
Karen: Okay, I get it now. You're comin' in loud and queer!

Will: Oh, Grace. You're dating a convict? Does it come to this?
Grace: He's not a convict. He is just some guy who did some white-collar real-estate thing and needs to be behind bars for a little while until he learns his lesson.
Will: Oh. Hey, he wouldn't happen to have a brother who's not gay but likes to have sex with men, does he?

Will: Okay, basketball's not my game.
Matt: Yeah, I kind of suspected that when I suggested a game of Horse and you got down on all fours.
Will: I knew that sounded too good to be true.
Matt: Look, you don't have to pretend to like sports for me.
Will: Yes, I do. It's why you broke up with your last boyfriend, isn't it?
Matt: Do you really think I'm that shallow? I broke up with him because he was poor. I'm kidding! I'm kidding. We were just different. I like foreign movies. He liked foreign men.

Will: So, Karen, on this, the centennial of your birth, Jack wants me to wish you a happy birthday. I hope all your wishes come true. And when you do become Satan's mistress, don't you forget the little people.