Lafayette: [leaving message for Tara on cell phone] Ring ring, hooker, ring ring. Now I know you're holing up at Sookie's, but long story short, I gots me a six-figure bucket seat cradling my black ass right the fuck now. And you got yourself my old ride. That's right. Buddha done did us a 180, he did. Now why don't you calls a motherfucker back, please?

Lafayette: [looking at all of the food brought by the town] What the fuck is it with white people and jello? I don't understand.
Tara: What the hell we gonna do with all this?
Lafayette: Toss it. Sookie don't need no bad juju cooking.
Tara: Bad juju?
Lafayette: Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That shit true as gold. You put some love in your food and folk can taste it. [picks up the cornbread] Smell this. You can smell the fear and nastiness comin' off that cornbread.
Tara: [takes a bit] Tastes just fine to me.
Lafayette: See bitch. You gonna wish you ain't did that. Watch.

Lafayette: [while shaking the senator's hand] I am so happy and proud to shake the hand of someone with your values. Too often we're governed by criminals and hypocrites. Don't you agree? But I can tell you're a man of virtues and I applaud the effort you're making against the poor and disenfranchised. Especially the vampires and the gays. So many things can happen to bring down a person such as yourself. You might wanna be careful.

Lafayette: Life ain't not havin' problems, Tara. It's about bein' able to deal wit' the ones you got.

Lafayette: You look like a porn star with that tan and pink lipstick. You got a date?
Sookie: No. When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips.
Lafayette: [laughing] Yes, girl. Let's hear it! These damn rednecks are suckers for packaging.
Sookie: And I get even bigger tips when I act like I don't have a brain in my head. But if I don't, they're all scared of me.
Lafayette: They ain't scared of you, honey child. They're scared of what's between your legs.
Sookie: Lafayette! That's nasty talk, I won't listen to that.
Arlene: Do you even know what's between a woman's legs, Lafayette?
Lafayette: I know ever man, whether straight, gay, or George motherfuckin Bush is terrified of the pussy!
Sookie: Lafayette!
Dawn: Ooh, what are we talkin about?!
Lafayette: Pussy.
Arlene: Hey, listen. Not everybody is gay, okay? Not everybody wants to have sex with you.
Lafayette: Oh, you would be surprised, Arlene. People you know... that's all I'm sayin.
Dawn: Well, I don't wanna have sex with you.
Arlene: Me neither.
Lafayette: Y'all bitches don't know what you're missing. I got six gears up in these hips!
Dawn: No, baby. You don't know what you're missing. You can watch it walk away. Make you wanna slap it?
Lafayette: Everybody know that. Everybody been there. John been there.
Arlene: Take these, baby. Peaches and cream.
Lafayette: I'll give you a little cocoa. Little cocoa. Ain't that right, John? Shit.

Lettie Mae: [about helping Tara] If only Miss Jeanette was still alive.
Lafayette: She don't need no backwoods witch. She needs Thorazine and a padded cell.

Longshadow: You trust the skinny human to clear the fat one?

Lorena: [in 1935, shouting] I gave you everything! Everything and you've thrown it away, moaning over what you've lost. You disgust me.
Bill: Than let me go!
Lorena: No. I made you and you are mine!
Bill: You know I don't love you!
Lorena: You never tried.
Bill: I have spent decades tryin'! I despise myself for what I did for you! God help me. I killed innocent people to prove to that I loved you! But it was pure nihilism... I do not, I cannot, I will never love you.
Lorena: Men have readily laid down their lives to spend just one night with me. What more can I give? What is it that you want from me?
Bill: Choice... Let me go.
Lorena: With out me, you would be alone forever.
Bill: You're the one who's afraid of that. You are the saddest, loneliest creature I have ever known.
Lorena: How dare you! [throws him into the table] ... You hate me that much?
Bill: Let me go!
Lorena: [tearfully] I cannot live without you.
Bill: [putting the splintered wood to his chest] You'll have to.
Lorena: No! Don't!... As your maker... I release you.

Lorena: [walking up to Sookie] Hello there. I'm Lorena.
Sookie: Nice to meet you, I'm Sookie.
Lorena: Hmmm, yes. You're what all the fuss is about.
Sookie: Excuse me?
Lorena: Aren't you a morsel.
Sookie: I'm sorry. Who are you?
Lorena: Well, we have a mutual friend.
Sookie: Bill?
Lorena: That's right. Funny he never mentioned me. I practically made him what he is today.
Bill: [walking into the room] Lorena!
Lorena: Oh, hello darling. I was just getting to know your plaything. You always did like to prey on the innocent.
Sookie: Bill, is this your maker?
Bill: She released me years ago. She no longer has any hold over me.
Lorena: Oh I wouldn't say that. We had two marvelous nights in your hotel room.
Sookie: What?
Lorena: Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a fifty-two inch plasma screen television earlier tonight? Everyone always says they're so thin and light. But let me tell you when wielded properly, it's quite a weapon.
Sookie: [to Bill] You did?
Bill: Lorena, you need to leave!
Lorena: [to Sookie] I hope he doesn't pull the same shenanigans with you. There's no excuse for domestic violence.
Bill: What she has failed to mention is that she was holding me prisoner!
Lorena: [chuckling] Cha! We were just catchin' up, is all.

Lorena: That was the best sex I've had in decades.
Bill: At least someone enjoyed it.

Lorena: Why am I here, Mr. Northman?
Eric: We want the same thing, you and I. [she just looks at him] Okay, Bill has something I want and he's in the way.
Lorena: His human?
Eric: She's something more than human.
Lorena: What is she?
Eric: That I do not know. Whatever it is, he loves her.
Lorena: What makes you think I want him back? That I'd even take him back?
Eric: Because you didn't come all this way just to see me.
Lorena: [annoyed] I haven't seen Bill Compton is over seventy years. Surely you can't think I have any pull over him, whatsoever.
Eric: I haven't seen my maker for much longer than that and yet, I am still loyal to him. Fiercely.
Lorena: Shame I didn't turn you. Then again... you're not really my type.

Lorena: Why am I here?
Eric: We want the same thing, you and I.
Lorena:For a vampire, you are a terrible liar.

Lorena: You never embraced our nature!
Bill: Your nature?! It was never mine! I welcome death because only then will I be truly free of the disease that is you!

Magister: I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.
Russell: Thank you.
Sophie-Anne: Yes, thanks. So happy I could bleed.

Magister: Trouble abounds in your fair state.
Eric: Tell me.
Magister: It would seem your idyllic little home is competing to become the V capital of the world.
Sophie-Anne: Can you believe it? I am so embarrassed. Naturally I told the Magister that you were the only vampire in my queendom that could be trusted with this.
Eric: Any thing I can do to be of service.
Magister: Our blood is sacred. Wasting it on anything other than procreation is blasphemy.
Sophie-Anne: Madness.
Eric: Desecration.
Magister: Have you noticed an uptick in users in your neck of the woods? Maybe even here in your club?
Eric: I haven't, no.
Magister: See that's surprising to me. 'Cause every other sheriff to whom I have spoken has. The amounts are so great in fact, we can only assume a vampire is responsible.
Sophie-Anne: An act of self loathing so shameful that who ever is responsible should fall on his own stake.
Eric: Respectfully, Magister. I'm not sure I follow your logic.
Magister: If your average run-of-the-mill drainers were behind this, it would stand to reason said drainers would need vampires to drain; which means there would be missing vampires and plenty of them. How many vampires have gone missing in your area?
Eric: None, Magister.
Magister: So, now do you follow my logic?
Eric: I do, and I will look into the matter.
Magister: Good ... and I will expect results.