Tosh: All I'm saying is that once in a while I'd like to drive.
Owen: Yeah, and all I'm saying is no.
Tosh: Why not?
Owen: Look I've shared cars with women before, I know what'll happen, there's an emergency, all raring to go, I jump in, what do I find? Seat's in the wrong position, rear view mirrors out of line, steering wheel's in my crotch. By time I've sorted all that out, aliens will've taken Newport!

Tosh: Ianto, what have you done with Billy Davis's body?
Ianto: Um, I was just about to dispose of it, why?
Tosh: I thought of a way we can use him to get us into the Pharm. [Shows something on screen] Clever, huh?
Ianto: Oh, you are warped on the inside. How do you think of these things?
Tosh: I'll take that as a compliment.

Tosh: No I can't just hook something up! The entire telephone network is down!
Owen: What about a mobile connection?
Tosh: [annoyed] The entire. Telephone. Network. Is down!
Ianto: Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string - everything, absolutely everything! No phones, phones all broken. [mimics telephone] Hello? Anyone there? [normal] No, 'cause the phones aren't working!

Tosh: Who are you?
Jack: Nobody. I don't exist... and for a man of my charisma, that's quite an achievement.

Toshiko Sato: [hacking into a military database] Come on, guys, that wasn't even difficult. You disappoint me.
Ianto Jones: It's almost obscene what you do to security systems.

Toshiko: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
Jack: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto: Remember what happened last time you used it?
Jack: That was different. And that species has extremely high blood pressure.
Ianto: Oh, right, their heads must explode all the time.
[Gwen looks up, wide-eyed in shock]
Gwen: Jack, you can't do this. What if you're wrong? If she is human, it'll kill her.
Jack: I'm not wrong. We have to find out what she is.
Toshiko: Take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.
Ianto: Or at the first sign of explodiinggg. [grimaces and mimes a seizure].
Jack: [Snaps and points at Ianto] Hey!

Toshiko:[Talking about a tent] Need any help getting it up Owen?
Owen: If I did, I wouldn't ask you.

Triangle Voice: Mrs. Monroe. We'd like to apologize. We're really very sorry about this. Indeed we'd like to imagine if time and tides had flown in a different way, we could have almost been friends. I hope that's some consolation. At the end. Truth of it is, we liked your message, Mrs. Monroe. We liked your style. But we already have Oswald Danes. We don't need another. And certain aspects of your strategy were revealing our hand just a little too soon. And we have been planning this so carefully for such a long time. Because we are everywhere. We are always. We are no one. And soon, the families will rise.

[After finding Carys' ex as nothing more than a pile of dust]
Jack: Tosh was right - she went straight for the ex-boyfriend. Lucky she's young; work your way through my back catalogue, we'll be here till the Sun explodes.

[After finding Owen in the cell naked]
Tosh: Jack, Carys is out of her cell!
Owen: Cheeky bitch took my swipe card.
Jack: I'll deal with it. Tell Owen he needs to work on those abs a bit harder.
Owen: I was taking some readings, you know, keeping an eye on her, and bang!
Tosh: You got away lightly. Be thankful she was only interested your swipe card.
Gwen: Are you alright now, or are you still feeling a bit of a cock?

[After walking in on Jack and Ianto in the hot house]
Gwen: Ianto, hi. I'm sorry. I didn't realize--
Ianto: Doesn't matter.
Gwen: I wouldn't have come in if I'd known--
Jack: Always room for one more. We could have used you an hour ago for naked hide-and-seek.
Ianto: He cheats. He always cheats

[At a scene where a man has been killed by a weevil, The Crazy Frog Ringtone sounds]
Tosh: Is that his...?
Jack: You don't think I would choose that ringtone.

[at a scene where a man, Matt, has just been vaporised after having sex with the alien-possessed Carys]
Gwen: He just...
Jack: [deadpan] Came and went.
Owen: Now that's how I'd like to go.
Tosh: I'm sure we could arrange it.

[Gwen and Carys are kissing passionately in Carys' cell, while Owen watches.]
Owen: Happy birthday me. Oi, you lot, treat!
[Jack and Tosh come over to see]
Tosh: Wow.
Jack: Wow.
Tosh: I thought she said she had a boyfriend.
Jack: You people and your quaint little categories.
Tosh: We should really get her out of there...
Jack: Yeah... [pauses] I mean, yeah, come on!
[Jack leaves to the cells with Tosh]
Owen: I'll just... record a bit of this.

[Gwen is trying to convince Jack to tell Matt's parents of Matt's death]
Jack: What am I supposed to tell them? That their son died SCREWING some chick?