Ken: Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.
Jay Leno: That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
Ken: No.
Jay Leno: Then shut up, then!

Michael: This will be my third strike.
Erin: He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
Titus: Get to the bad part!

Nurse Kathy: Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
Titus: Whoa, whoa, whoa -- attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!

Titus: Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.
Erin: Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
Dave: He got to her!
Titus: Dave, she likes me.
Dave: [slyly] Oh, right.

Titus: Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.
Dave: Is there something wrong with my sperm?
[Titus glares at Dave.]
Titus: I'm sure of it.

Titus: Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.
Ken: All right, how much?
Titus: Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.
Ken: Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?
Titus: "Numbuts"?
Ken: Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?
Titus: What?
Ken: Five grand.
Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!

Titus: Dave, thank God you're not dead!
Dave: Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
Titus: I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!

Titus: I do a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk.
Erin: I'm in a sack.
Titus And when I'm sober!

Titus: In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property.

Titus: My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield.

Titus: Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute. I'm not an idiot.
(Dave is about to push Titus down a flight of cement stairs in a shopping cart)

Titus: Okay, what's the record?
Dave: (through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!
Titus: What?
Dave: Fifteen stairs!
Titus: All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!
Dave: Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!
Titus: I can hear the ocean.

Titus: Where's my tux?
Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.
Titus: "Somebody" who?
Tommy: Nobody. Dave.
Titus: No!
Dave: [walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!

Tommy: It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!
Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.

[After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]
Ken: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!