Titus quotes
82 total quotesErin: You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.
Titus: [confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?
Titus: [confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?
Grandma Titus: George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!
Dave: Delaware is famous for its whores.
Dave: Delaware is famous for its whores.
Ken Titus: Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!
Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?
Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?
Ken: Fruits have the same rights as normal people. It's not like they're from Vietnam.
Ken: What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.
Castro: [sarcastically] Si, se�or. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]
Ken: Now that's my kind of Mexican!
Castro: [sarcastically] Si, se�or. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]
Ken: Now that's my kind of Mexican!
Stewardess: Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?
Ken: [through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."
Ken: [through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."
Titus: Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?
Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?
Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?
Titus: I wish everybody had a mom like mine.
Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?
Titus: Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!
Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?
Titus: Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!
Titus: If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.
[cut to Dave]
Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...
[cut to Dave]
Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...
Titus: You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
Ken: You took that as an insult?
Ken: You took that as an insult?
Tommy: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
[after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]
Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
[Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]
Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
Titus: It's a spruce!
Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
Titus: It's a spruce!