Titus quotes
82 total quotesBill: Where is all of this anger coming from?
Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!
Season 3
Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!
Season 3
Christopher: People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.
Cop: We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.
Dave: Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
Titus: Dave!
Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... pot.
Dave: Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
Titus: Dave!
Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... pot.
Dave: Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.
Erin: Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.
Titus: Well, Mom is like a criminal.
Titus: Well, Mom is like a criminal.
Erin: Christopher, you know how some girls have dreams about being beauty queens, or astronauts, or doctors?
Titus: No.
Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.
Titus: No.
Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.
Erin: You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin: Everybody knows that!
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me!
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin: Everybody knows that!
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me!
Jerry October: Dave, why don't you tell us what you really want?
Dave: (sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!
Dave: (sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!
Jerry October: Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.
Ken Titus: All these people have kids?
Ken Titus: All these people have kids?
Ken Titus: Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!
Christopher: Hi, Dad.
Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!
Christopher: Hi, Dad.
Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!
Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
Tommy: I'm not gay!
Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt.
Tommy: I'm not gay!
Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt.
Ken: Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?
Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.
Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.