Titus quotes
82 total quotesErin: So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!
Titus: Honey, your dad is not dead.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.
Titus: Honey, your dad is not dead.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.
Erin: You slept with her?
Titus: She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!
Titus: She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!
Ken Titus: I hear Looney Tunes made dinner... I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.
Ken: (flashback) Hey, it was just a bad call. Bad call on your part! I cheated on my last wife with you! What did you think was going to happen? Caveat emptor, baby! Great ass.
Officer Charlie Regan: You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.
Dave: And I want my pot back.
Titus: Dave, we're bribing him.
Dave: But he already has my pot!
Season 2
Dave: And I want my pot back.
Titus: Dave, we're bribing him.
Dave: But he already has my pot!
Season 2
Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds!
Ken: You're right, I do.
Titus: See, you're doing it right now!
Ken: [slyly] No, I'm not.
Titus: Yes, you are!
Ken: All right, I am.
Titus: Stop it!
Ken: You're right, I do.
Titus: See, you're doing it right now!
Ken: [slyly] No, I'm not.
Titus: Yes, you are!
Ken: All right, I am.
Titus: Stop it!
Titus: I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.
Tommy: "Integritous"?
Titus: It's a word.
Tommy: "Integritous"?
Titus: It's a word.
Titus: A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?
Titus: Dad, is there anything I can do?
Ken: See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)
Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--
Ken: I'll name him Ho-John Titus.
Titus: Dad--
Ken: Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.
Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?
Ken: (turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?
Ken: See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)
Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--
Ken: I'll name him Ho-John Titus.
Titus: Dad--
Ken: Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.
Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?
Ken: (turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?
Titus: Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.
Titus: Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.
Titus: Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
Titus: My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.