Titus quotes
82 total quotes[After throwing Titus through a window]
Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.
Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.
[at the hospital, after the Tituses and Fitzpatricks got into a Thanksgiving family fued]
Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.
Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.
[Having been tricked by Erin into spending time together, Titus and Ken plot on how to pay her back.]
Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!
Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!
[Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]
Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
Bill: Stanford, actually.
Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
Bill: Stanford, actually.
[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!
[Spotting a hitchhiker]
Titus: It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
Titus: It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]
Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Dave: Or something you put jam in!
[Titus stares at Dave.]
Titus: Like a mason jar.
Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Dave: Or something you put jam in!
[Titus stares at Dave.]
Titus: Like a mason jar.
[Titus has lost his business and kicked Erin out.]
Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!
Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!
[Titus has put Erin in a sack]
Tommy: I'm letting her out.
Titus: Go ahead.
Tommy: OWWW!
Titus: She might bite you.
Tommy: I'm letting her out.
Titus: Go ahead.
Tommy: OWWW!
Titus: She might bite you.
[Titus has shrieked after having his shoulder re-located]
Dave: Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?
Titus: [scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?
Dave: Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?
Titus: [scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?
[Titus is showing Kathy the video of Ken's drunk driving arrest.]
Titus: Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?
[Dave proudly raises his hand.]
Titus: Besides Dave?
Titus: Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?
[Dave proudly raises his hand.]
Titus: Besides Dave?
[Titus learns that Erin has been working as a waitress in a strip club.]
Titus: Why didn't you drag her out of there?
Ken: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.
Titus: Why didn't you drag her out of there?
Ken: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.
[Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend.]
Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!
Titus: [incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?
Dave: Yeah, dumbass.
Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!
Titus: [incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?
Dave: Yeah, dumbass.