Titus quotes
82 total quotes[As a practical joke, Titus has convinced hospital staffers to shave Ken's testicles.]
Ken: I look like a nine year-old boy.
Ken: I look like a nine year-old boy.
[at the hospital, after the Tituses and Fitzpatricks got into a Thanksgiving family fued]
Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.
Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.
[Flashback to when Titus was 17]
Christopher: Daddy! My key doesn't work in the door any more! I have laundry!
Ken: [opens door] Laundry? [squirts dish soap over Titus' shirt] Here's some soap. Go find a rock in a river.
Christopher: Daddy! My key doesn't work in the door any more! I have laundry!
Ken: [opens door] Laundry? [squirts dish soap over Titus' shirt] Here's some soap. Go find a rock in a river.
[Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]
Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
Titus: It's a spruce!
Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
Titus: It's a spruce!
[Having been tricked by Erin into spending time together, Titus and Ken plot on how to pay her back.]
Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!
Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!
[Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]
Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
Bill: Stanford, actually.
Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
Bill: Stanford, actually.
[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!
[Ken, having started drinking again, reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus in which Titus was naked.]
Tommy: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!
Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
Tommy: You were a pirate.
[Titus moans in disgust.]
Tommy: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!
Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
Tommy: You were a pirate.
[Titus moans in disgust.]
[Spotting a hitchhiker]
Titus: It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
Titus: It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
[The FBI believes that the Titus family to be a terrorist group.]
Erin: We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.
[straight cut to Titus]
Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.
Erin: We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.
[straight cut to Titus]
Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.
[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]
Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Dave: Or something you put jam in!
[Titus stares at Dave.]
Titus: Like a mason jar.
Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Dave: Or something you put jam in!
[Titus stares at Dave.]
Titus: Like a mason jar.
[Thinking they are going to die, Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy are voicing their regrets in life.]
Erin: I never got to see Ireland.
Titus: Honey, you never got to see San Diego.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] That helps.
Erin: I never got to see Ireland.
Titus: Honey, you never got to see San Diego.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] That helps.
[Titus has lost his business and kicked Erin out.]
Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!
Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!
[Titus has put Erin in a sack]
Tommy: I'm letting her out.
Titus: Go ahead.
Tommy: OWWW!
Titus: She might bite you.
Tommy: I'm letting her out.
Titus: Go ahead.
Tommy: OWWW!
Titus: She might bite you.