Pam: [Pretending to be a client so Creed doesn't ruin the company] Hello, this is...the client.
Creed: It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps. You in?
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Creed: [Laughs] Cool. Let's keep this on the QT, OK? I don't want you to be a dead mama jama.

Pam: [seeing Michael pouring gasoline all over the parking lot] Michael! Michael!
Michael: Hi.
Pam: Hi. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Michael: Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Pam: Why do you need more gas?
Michael: Well, I'm writing a message.
Pam: Is it a good message or a bad message?
Michael: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Pam: Are you proposing?!
Michael: Maybe.
Pam: Wow.
Michael: Hey, you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam: Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [grabs the lighter and runs away]
Michael: Pam.
Pam: Yep?
Michael: Could you light this please?
Pam: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
Michael: I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.
Pam: This is terrible.

Pam: Dwight is about to get so Pammed!

Pam: Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again.
Jim: What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.
Pam: That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.
Jim: Yeah, I thought you started it.
Pam: No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. You know I have a kid with you, right?

Phyllis: I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.

Robert California: You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars worth of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only sex. Everything is sex. You understand what I'm telling you is a universal truth, Toby.

Stanley: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18-years old. To get to sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people while my lunch was paid for? That is the life!

Stanley: I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle. Which I intend to.

Stanley: This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.
Kevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?
Michael: You know what, guys? Let's just enjoy lunch.
Kevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael, sometimes...

Stanley: Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.

Toby: [looking up at the church ceiling] Why you always got to be so mean to me?

[After meeting Angela's boyfriend Robert]
Oscar: Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.

[Michael bumps into David Brent coming out of an elevator]
David: Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael: [in a poor British accent] "Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me, mate."
David: [laughing] What are you doing?
Michael: English.
David: You're picking on the wrong person, I can tell you that much.
Michael: No, no, I'm not picking on you at all! You're English, correct?
David: Yeah, big time, yeah. Who are you?
Michael: I'm working on an English character. It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David: Oh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
[they shake hands]
Michael: Michael Scott.
David: Oh, righty-o. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Lee [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.
Michael: I do Ping!
David: "Herro! Herro!"
Michael: "Herro, I'm Ping!"
David: You can't do that these days.
Michael: No, no, no, and people don't understand that it has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David: No, no, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said! Hahahahaha!!!
[Michael hugs David]
Michael: That's good! A pleasure to meet you!
David: Where are you working?
Michael: Dunder Mifflin.
David: Any jobs going?
Michael: No, not right now.
David: Just let me know.
Michael: Alright. See you around.
David: OK, man.
Michael: Bye-bye. [David walks off] What a nice guy.

[The entire office staff sings a surprise song to Michael to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from Rent]
Andy: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.
Pam: In costumes!
Jim: And impressions!
Toby: In meetings.
Erin and Kelly: And cups of coffee.
Kevin: For birthdays!
Stanley: More meetings and...
Women: ...E-mail forwards you made us read.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
Meredith: You hit me with your car!
Ryan: You helped me get off drugs!
Creed: I watch you when you sleep.
Oscar: I forgive you for kissing me!
All: Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.
Erin and Kelly: Call, text or e-mail, or call.
Deangelo: [falsetto] Measure your life in love!
All: Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.