Dwight: Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim: Oh, hey, Dwight.
Dwight: I'm going to be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire!
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.
Jim: Okay, just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim: Go.
Dwight: $80,000 a year.

Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Dwight: Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?
Dwight: No, I was saying that before, not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Jan: And where it asks you to state your business he wrote, "Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc."

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside... I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my god, what am I saying?

Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

Jim: Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Karen: Andy! No a cappella!

Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh, um, no, that's, um, it's actually fine.
Kelly: There's no way it's fine, I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out, and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.

Kelly: Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!
Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?
Kelly: [blank stare] I just told you.

Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Michael: Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!