Buddy: Rose Nylund?
Sophia: No, and if I start acting like her, pull the plug!

Daisy: [holding a water pistol to Fernando the teddy bear's head] See this water pistol? It's loaded with red ink!
[Rose walks in]
Blanche: Oh Rose, don't move, honey! She's got the teddy bear and a water pistol!

Dororhy: [asking the veterinarian after Baby's collapsed] How is Baby, doc?
Sophia: I read in Newsweek they ran him out of Haiti!

Dorothy: $5000...we don't have that kind of money!
IRS Auditor: Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
Dorothy: Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it!
IRS Auditor: I expect you each to cough up $2500 in 30 days.
Dorothy: What if we can't!
IRS Auditor: We'll just have to put a lien on your bank accounts, your property, and your salaries, and if THAT doesn't work, we'll just have to incarcerate you.
Stan: Oh my God. We're going to jail! [breaks down in tears]
Dorothy: That's right Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba register for your china. [slaps him on the back and storms out]

Dorothy: [coming in from the pouring rain] Whew, it is really coming down!
Rose: What's coming down?
Dorothy: [pauses, then responds crossly] The Liberace marquee at Caesar's Palace.

Dorothy: [examining photo in newspaper of Gil Kessler's alleged "mistress"] Wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress!
Sophia: And those look like Blanche's red shoes!
Dorothy: And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?
Rose: That little floozy stole Blanche's clothes!!!
Dorothy: It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen.

Dorothy: [handing Priscilla a crystal goblet after Priscilla announces she and Ramón are eloping] Listen, we were going to give you your wedding gift tomorrow, but since we won't see you, why don't you take it home with you tonight?
Priscilla: Oh, thank you! [she quickly leaves]
Blanche: Good night. [To Dorothy] Dorothy, are you crazy?! We're going to lose a fortune on this wedding!
Rose: And you let her march out that door with your best piece of crystal!
Dorothy: [into the telephone] Hello, police? Yes, I'd like to report a robbery.

Dorothy: [on why the girls made up on their return flight] There was nothing else we could do. It was either that or watch Three Amigos! with a headset.

Dorothy: [sees Vincenzo's elderly crew working on the guestroom] Looks like the road company of Cocoon.

Dorothy: [taking microphone at restaurant] Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention please? The gentleman at table five, in the blue suit [meaning Ted], is impotent. Bon appetit.

Dorothy: [to Greta] Look, race is not even an issue. I mean, your daughter is twice my son's age! What can a woman in her 40's possibly have in common with a boy in his 20's?
Blanche: Sex! At 20, a man is at his peak. And a woman in her 40's is also at her peak, so when the two come together, hot damn !

Dorothy: [upon learning that the airport is closed because of the hurricane] That means we could be trapped together for days!
Blanche: [still in nun's costume] Oh, JESUS!
[Angelo, who is unaware that Blanche isn't really a nun, looks at her with a shocked expression.]
Blanche: ...Please protect us and watch over us in this our hour of need!
Dorothy: Amen!

Dorothy: Ernie, listen to me and listen good. If you walk out that door right now, you can forget about ever coming back. I sound like I'm on Ryan's Hope.

Dorothy: Floozy.
Blanche: Tramp.
Dorothy: I, I am a tramp? Blanche, have you heard the latest ad campaigns? "Join the Navy, see the world, sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" "Join the Army, be all you can be and sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" [raising voice] The Marines are looking for a few good men who have NOT slept with Blanche Devereaux!

Dorothy: Girls, I have some bad news. I am not going to be able to go with you [to the funeral].
Rose: Why not?
Dorothy: It's Ma. She's sick. I'm going to have to take her to the hospital.
Blanche: Oh, Doro-... wait a minute! She - she left for that cooking contest about ten minutes ago!
Dorothy: She called. She had a bad cannoli when she got there. Right now she is doubled over with cramps, crying out with pain and... [Sophia enters the house, looking perfectly healthy]... making the most spectacular comeback since Dennis Hopper!
Rose: Are you all right, Sophia?
Sophia: Of course I'm all right. It's just that halfway to the contest, I realized I forgot the wine.
Rose: For your mussels marinara?
Sophia: No, for me. I always drink wine during cooking contests and My Sister Sam.
Rose: Dorothy, Sophia's not sick! She didn't eat a bad cannoli! So whoever called and said that was just making the whole thing up.