Dorothy: Hi girls, tell me, how did the audition for the play go?
Blanche: Awful! We just got two tiny parts.
Rose: We're doing The Sound of Music and Blanche is mad 'cause she didn't get the lead.
Dorothy: Oh, I can't believe that you weren't cast in the lead role! You've gotten it the past five years in a row!
Blanche: Well, they hired a new director this year, and he has no taste.
Rose: Blanche used to sleep with the old one. The new director's gay!
Blanche: A gay theater director, did you ever hear of such a thing?
Dorothy: That's absolutely shocking. The next thing you know, they'll have black basketball players in the NBA.

Dorothy: I cannot believe my mother is hanging out with that cheap hood!
Rose: You mean Rocco?
Dorothy: No, Rose, I mean Spiro Agnew. He gave her a highway contract instead of an ID bracelet.

Dorothy: I mean, when you look at it, has anything that out of the ordinary really happened?
[suddenly a man in a crow costume parachutes down onto the lanai.]
Man: This isn't the Orange Bowl, is it?

Dorothy: Look, Mrs. Wagner, I'm not thrilled about my son marrying your daughter either.
Greta: Oh yeah? Why, you got something against black people?
Blanche: Of course not! And I resent the insinuation! Why, we firmly believe that all men are created equal!!
Rose: That's a bunch of bologna!
Dorothy: Rose!!!
Rose: Well it is! If you don't believe me, just turn on your television set and watch a white person dance down the line on Soul Train.

Dorothy: Look, why don't you just admit that this is all because you don't like Barbara Thorndyke.
Blanche: Alright, I don't like Barbara Thorndyke. I think she's a phony.
Dorothy: Oh, this from a woman who tells her dates that she was Angie Dickinson's body double in Dressed To Kill.
Blanche: That's just a little white lie.
Dorothy: Oh yeah? Then why is it on your job resume?!

Dorothy: Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough!
Sophia: Shut up and drink.
Dorothy: This is the fourth one! Ma, that's an awful lot of whiskey!
Sophia: I only put whiskey in the first one.
Dorothy: Oh.
Sophia: The second and third were vodka.
Dorothy: No wonder my head is spinning!
Sophia: This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.

Dorothy: Ma, ma, you promised you'd stay in your room 'til the meeting was over.
Sophia: Who am I, ALF?

Dorothy: Oh Blanche honey, I hope you don't mind, I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.
Blanche: No, that's alright, but I think I should point out it was designed for a dainty neck.
Dorothy: Yes Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.

Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, how would you feel if your son were marrying an older woman?
Blanche: Dorothy, when my son was five years old, he nearly burned down our whole town. Since then, nothing he does upsets me. Hell, he could marry Lillian Gish and I wouldn't care.

Dorothy: Okay girls, which goes better, the silver chain or the pearls?
Rose: The chain.
Blanche: An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?
Rose: Well that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bosom.
Blanche: Yes, but, the chain leads the eye even lower, to that huge "spare tire," jutting out over those square manly hips.
Dorothy Why don't I just wear a sign that says "Too Ugly To Live"?
Blanche: Fine, but what are you going to hang it from, the chain or the pearls?
Dorothy: [angrily] Neither, I'm going to spray paint it on my hump!!
Rose: See, Blanche, you don't know any more than I do. I'm going to run for Fashion Show Chairman.
Blanche: Well, you're just wasting your time. Who on that fashion committee is going to vote for you? I'm gonna win.
Rose: Well, I don't see how that's possible. Everybody on the committee is female. Who are you going to sleep with?
Blanche: Are you insinuating that I cannot win it on merit alone? ... All women?

Dorothy: Rose, do me a favor and fasten your seatbelt... over your mouth!

Dorothy: Rose, I take it that no member of your family was ever a returning champion on Jeopardy!.

Dorothy: Rose, will you excuse us?
Rose: Sure, where're you going?
Dorothy: Nowhere. Get out!

Dorothy: The most romantic thing was when Stan proposed. I went to the powder room and when I got back there was two long stem glasses filled with Dom Perignon. We clinked the glasses and Stan gave me a coy smile and I winked at him and I just down the champagne in one gulp....and it didn't go down smoothly. Later he told me that he put my engagement ring at the bottom of the glass. It turned up three days later.
Rose: Where'd it turn up, Dorothy?
Dorothy: On the Home Shopping Network, Rose.

Dorothy: The REAL problem is you, Blanche. You are selfish.
Blanche: Oh, please! Everybody always says what a giving person I am!
Sophia: She's talking about when you're in an upright position!