Al Mullins: I'd like to ask you about your next-door neighbors, the McDowells.
Bobby Hopkins: They're not who you think they are.
Rose: You mean we invited the wrong people to dinner?

Al Mullins: We'll use the bathroom as a lookout and the kitchen as a base.
Sophia: Fine. We'll just cook in the fireplace and pee in the broom closet.

Alma: I'll buy you some of that bikini underwear.
Sophia: Nah, it rides up on me.

Angelo: Sophia, you're lookin' terrific! You haven't changed a bit in 40 years!
Sophia: Angelo, you're a priest, you shouldn't lie!
Angelo: Ah, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Before the trip I said an extra fifty Hail Mary's in case I felt like cutting loose. ... Dorothy!
Dorothy: Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you!
Angelo: Dorothy, you know something, you look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.
Stan: He just used up all fifty Hail Mary's on that one.
Angelo: Stan, you still a funny guy, got a sense of humor still, eh? [To Dorothy] He still make you laugh like he used to?
Dorothy: Well, not really, but then again I haven't seen him naked lately.

Blanche: [about Dirk] This is strictly off the record, but Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche? Dog years?

Blanche: [about the article in the paper about her supposed affair with Gil Kessler] You girls don't believe this. Well, I mean, I'm not denying that's me in the photograph but I am denying that anything happened. I just dropped off his folder.
Dorothy: Then why does it say here that you were in his house for two hours?
Blanche: We were just talking.
Rose: Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in the building next door?
Dorothy: Rose, that's an article about an earthquake in Guatemala!

Blanche: [about the movie Psycho] It's the reason I prefer not to shower alone.
Dorothy: Sure, Blanche, and Goldilocks and the Three Bears is why you prefer not to sleep alone.

Blanche: [about Virginia] It was the day before Christmas and we were playing and she jiggled the tree and the star fell off and broke. So she told me to pick it up and put it on my finger. And I did. Then she plugged it in. And WHAM! My eyes bugged out, my hair shot straight up, I did a crazy rollover dance all over the room, I'm sure my heart even stopped beating for a minute. Then she ran to Daddy and told her that I had broken the star and almost electrocuted her, and he sent me to my room for all of Christmas Eve and told me that Baby Jesus was mad at me for ruinin' his birthday.
Rose: Blanche, that's horrible.
Blanche: And that's not the worst part. That darn electricity straightened my hair! I used to have curly hair!

Blanche: [after being awakened by the ringing phone] I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!
Dorothy: Boy, that's pretty jumpy.

Blanche: [after Sophia slaps David for mouthing off] Is that all you Italians know how to do, scream and hit?
Sophia: No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!

Blanche: [answers the telephone]) Hello. Yes, this is Blanche Devereaux. Yes, that Blanche Devereaux, and no, I did not! Absolutely not! I will tell it to a judge! I will yell it from the highest mountaintops! I will swear to it on a stack of Bibles! [hangs up telephone] Now did that sound like a liar?
Dorothy: No. It sounded like Jim and Tammy Faye on Nightline!

Blanche: [complaining about Dorothy] She wants everything to be just right. I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house!
Dorothy: [to Blanche] Those of you who wear underwear.
[Blanche initially looks startled, then looks up at the psychiatrist and smiles]

Blanche: [explaining what happened with Sven] I did kiss him, but it was just pretend. We were having lunch at Fairview Gardens when Floyd McAllen walked in with another woman, so I pretended Swen was my boyfriend just to make Floyd jealous.
Dorothy: Did you explain any of this to Sven?
Blanche: I assumed he knew!
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you assume anything?! The man offered to kill dinner for us last night!
Blanche: Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible!
Rose: Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man in there whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your little petty games.
Blanche: Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side - he did get to kiss me!
Dorothy: Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring!

Blanche: [hearing a noise] Did you hear that?
Sophia: Yeah, and while I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I want! [others back away]

Blanche: [introducing herself to Dr. Clayton] My name is Blanche Devereaux. That's French for... Blanche Devereaux.