Angelo: Sophia, you're lookin' terrific! You haven't changed a bit in 40 years!
Sophia: Angelo, you're a priest, you shouldn't lie!
Angelo: Ah, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Before the trip I said an extra fifty Hail Mary's in case I felt like cutting loose. ... Dorothy!
Dorothy: Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you!
Angelo: Dorothy, you know something, you look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.
Stan: He just used up all fifty Hail Mary's on that one.
Angelo: Stan, you still a funny guy, got a sense of humor still, eh? [To Dorothy] He still make you laugh like he used to?
Dorothy: Well, not really, but then again I haven't seen him naked lately.

Blanche: [about the article in the paper about her supposed affair with Gil Kessler] You girls don't believe this. Well, I mean, I'm not denying that's me in the photograph but I am denying that anything happened. I just dropped off his folder.
Dorothy: Then why does it say here that you were in his house for two hours?
Blanche: We were just talking.
Rose: Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in the building next door?
Dorothy: Rose, that's an article about an earthquake in Guatemala!

Blanche: [answers the telephone]) Hello. Yes, this is Blanche Devereaux. Yes, that Blanche Devereaux, and no, I did not! Absolutely not! I will tell it to a judge! I will yell it from the highest mountaintops! I will swear to it on a stack of Bibles! [hangs up telephone] Now did that sound like a liar?
Dorothy: No. It sounded like Jim and Tammy Faye on Nightline!

Blanche: [complaining about Dorothy] She wants everything to be just right. I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house!
Dorothy: [to Blanche] Those of you who wear underwear.
[Blanche initially looks startled, then looks up at the psychiatrist and smiles]

Blanche: [explaining what happened with Sven] I did kiss him, but it was just pretend. We were having lunch at Fairview Gardens when Floyd McAllen walked in with another woman, so I pretended Swen was my boyfriend just to make Floyd jealous.
Dorothy: Did you explain any of this to Sven?
Blanche: I assumed he knew!
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you assume anything?! The man offered to kill dinner for us last night!
Blanche: Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible!
Rose: Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man in there whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your little petty games.
Blanche: Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side - he did get to kiss me!
Dorothy: Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring!

Blanche: [meeting Angelo; in nun's costume, panties in hand] We're here collecting, uh, lingerie... for needy sexy people.

Blanche: [on the phone, unaware that Angelo is in the kitchen] Hi Walter, how are you? ... Yeah, I feel like a caged animal in heat too. ... Walter, you naughty boy! Keep on talkin'! ... What am I wearing? Well, to be perfectly honest, A NUN'S OUTFIT! ... Oh, sounds good to me, uh huh. I'll be over just as soon as this storm lets up! [hangs up, then sees Angelo staring at her quizzically; to Angelo] He's a leper. And I'm the only one who'll touch him.
[Angelo, not knowing Stan and Dorothy are divorced, brings Stan into Dorothy's room at night. When Angelo leaves, Stan sits on the end of the bed] Stan: Dorothy, I know it's been a while, but try to control yourself, I need to get some rest. [Dorothy kicks him off of the bed] What the hell was that for?! Dorothy: Stanley, you're not getting into this bed! Stan: Well, where the hell am I supposed to sleep? Dorothy: On the floor, like any dog. Stan: Fine! [grabs pillow and sheets] Just fine! Stan Zbornak doesn't have to beg a woman to get into bed! Women come to me! Dorothy: Oh, sure. Right after they get the approval number on your MasterCard! Stan: Good night! Dorothy: Oh, shut up! [Stan gets on the floor and lays down as Dorothy turns off the light. He starts laughing] Dorothy: Stanley, if you're doing what I think you're doing, you're in big trouble.

Blanche: [on why she's excited about taking a night-school Spanish class with Rose] Men go to night school - smart men. And nothing turns me on more than a smart man. Unless it's a stupid man with good hands.

Blanche: [reading from Rose's diary] Dear Diary, I don't know how much longer I can stand living with these two pigs. At first, moving in with them seemed like a good way to save money, but it's just getting out of hand. If one isn't keepin' me awake all night with her squealin', the other one is belchin' in my face! [stops reading] You do that sometimes, Dorothy. After you've had a Denver omelet.
Dorothy: Look, this is a real invasion of Rose's privacy. And it's a Spanish omelet.

Blanche: [suggests a way to get to the TV studio in time] I have a better idea - we can hitchhike. See, I can lift up my skirt, you know, like in that Clark Gable movie, It Happened One Night. Boy, we'll have a ride in no time.
Sophia: Please! You lift up your skirt, and someone might mistake your thigh for the on ramp to the freeway.

Blanche: [to Becky] Let me get a look at you.
Sophia: This could take several hours.

Blanche: [upon seeing that she and Dorothy have purchased the exact same dress] It can't be!
Sophia: Hey, don't panic. Get one for Rose and you can go as The Pointer Sisters.

Blanche: Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
Barbara: Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay", I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Blanche: Well, I should hope so.
Dorothy: Blanche!
Barbara: It's alright. Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Blanche: Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves, little waves, dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!
Barbara: Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
Blanche: I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Rose: Blanche, what's a metaphor?
Blanche: It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty." They are not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

Blanche: Damn! I don't have one thing in black that isn't see-through.

Blanche: Dorothy and I are gonna team up with the Kaplan brothers.
Rose: The Kaplan brothers! You mean you and Dorothy are joining a country western band?
Dorothy: That's the Gatlin brothers, Rose!