Dorothy: The way to relax when you have to speak in front of a group of people is to imagine what they all look like naked.
Rose: Really?
Dorothy: Yep. And if you do it right, you'll probably even start to laugh.
Blanche: [stares at Rose for a few seconds, shrugs, and then begins staring at Dorothy, then bursts out laughing hysterically. After a few seconds Rose starts to laugh too. Dorothy, exasperated, exits the room.]

Dorothy: Where did you come from?
Blanche: Oh, I was hiding behind the drapes.
Dorothy: What is this, Hamlet?

Ernie: [about the guestroom] Mrs. Devereaux, please. Do you want it fast or do you want it good?
Sophia: Before you answer that Blanche, the man's talking about a guestroom.

Greta: Honey, it's just a phase! Ever since Diana Ross started marrying white men, everyone's gotta have one!
Sophia: [Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, of African American decent] What is this, a revival of A Raisin in the Sun ?
Michael Zbornak: Grandma, this is my fianceé, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.
Sophia: Oh, wait-wait-wait-wait-wait... This is your fianceé?
Michael Zbornak: Yep, that's right.
Sophia: You couldn't find someone your own age?
Greta: What is that supposed to mean?
Sophia: No offense, but it means your daughter's been around the block more times then a Good Humor man!
Greta: [turns to her sister] Hold my purse - those are fightin' words!
Rose: Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John'?
Greta: [turns to Dorothy] Is she for real?
Dorothy: Yep - frightening isn't it?

Guy: For another 100 points, Complete this famous saying: "Better Late Than..."
[Blanche rings in]
Guy: Blanche.
Blanche: Pregnant!
Guy: That's incorrect, but certainly not untrue.

Guy: For another 100 points, Who is the current Secretary of State?
[Willard rings in]
Guy: Willard?
Willard: Charles Schulz.
Dorothy: He created Peanuts!
Willard: I thought that was George Washington Carver.
Dorothy: [scoldingly] Willard, don't ever touch your buzzer again.

Man: [in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?
Dorothy: Have we met?
Man: Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."
Dorothy: Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.
Man: That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.
Dorothy: So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---
Man: Toto.
Dorothy: ---Mr. Toto?
Man: Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.
Rose: Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]
Dorothy: Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!
Rose: So what?
Dorothy: So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."
Man: Is that signed "Doug"?
Dorothy: Yes.
Man: I know him; he's a sick man.
Dorothy: [showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.
[The man leaves, and a priest then walks up to the open door]
Dorothy: Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!
Sophia: [walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!
Dorothy: [mortified] Oh, no... [to Father Rossi] I'm terribly sorry. I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.
[Another man enters through the open door after the priest leaves and walks up to Rose]
Man #2: [to Rose] Hi! Here's my eight dollars! Let's get started, Dorothy!
Rose: Oh, I'm not Dorothy; she is.
Man #2: [to Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
Dorothy: How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?!!
Man #2: Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars!
[Dorothy throws Man #2 out of the house. Enter Blanche]
Blanche: Girls! Girls! There's a busload of Greek sailors out front! They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!

Marguerite: [after the girls discover what purports to be a charm placed under Dorothy's bed to help her sleep] I was just trying to be helpful. I figured with those terrible bags, you needed the rest.
Rose: Dorothy always looks like that.
Blanche: Besides, it would take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies.
Dorothy: Listen, I have an idea; why don't you all take turns hitting me with a two-by-four?

Marguerite: Alright, I won't go on with this charade any longer... there is something else -- I'm black. If that's a problem for you, I'm white. Of course that will cost you extra.
Dorothy: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!
Marguerite: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose: [while Blanche is sitting next to them] Neither do Dorothy and I.

Rebecca: Mama offered to drive us over to Vero Beach to see the Dodgers play. Jeremy's a big baseball fan.
Jeremy: Becky's a bigger one. Becky's a bigger everything.
Dorothy: Not everything, Jeremy.

Rebecca: Oh, I hate these moments.
Blanche: Me too. I never did learn how to say goodbye.
Rose: Oh, there are so many ways to say farewell. Auf wiedersehen, arrivederci, adiós, hasta luego...
Dorothy: Get lost.
Rose: See, there's another one. Good, Dorothy!

Rose: [about Baby] In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.
Dorothy: The actor or the sausage?

Rose: [arriving at the dance tournament and seeing Blanche and Dorothy there] Hi, girls!
Dorothy: Et tu, Judas?
Rose: No, it's me, Rose. I'm just wearing my hair a little differently.

Rose: [knocking on Sophia's door] Sophia?
Sophia: I'm not in. Wait for the beep and leave a message. Beep!
Rose: Hi, this is Rose...
Sophia: Rose, shut up and get in here!

Rose: [on Blanche] I think she's a gerchominochen!
Doctor: Well, what exactly does that mean?
Rose: Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white.
[Pause, as Blanche is shown with a horrified and shocked look on her face.]
Rose: But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't want to share your hodenkugels with.
Dorothy: Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me...
Rose: Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!