Rose: [on first impressions] I remember when I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. There was this old lady who lived up the street. She never smiled. I mean, she always looked angry. The kids said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her property. We used to call her Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper.
Blanche: Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.
Rose: No, that was her name, Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper. She had it changed legally, 'cause everybody called her that anyway.
Blanche: Then how come your name isn't "Big Dummy"?
Rose: Well, there were already three other people in town with that name.

Rose: [on Rebecca marrying Jeremy] It's her daughter, it's her choice. It's like something that happened back in St. Olaf...
Dorothy: [furious] Oh, Rose, STOP! Rose, why is it when any one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf"?! Did it ever occur to you that we might be sick and tired of hearing, "Back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf"?!!!
Rose: [surprised] Gee, no, I never realized. I'm sorry.
Dorothy: Oh, that's okay.
Rose: Back in that town whose name you're tired of...
Dorothy: ROSE!!!!

Rose: [onboard cruiseship] Ahoy girls. Quick, grab some champagne.
Blanche: Ooh, I just love champagne!
Dorothy: Oh so do I. The only problem is after a few glasses I'll kiss any man in sight.
[commotion in background] MAN OVERBOARD!

Rose: [seeing Mr. Terrific on the ledge] How's he doing?
Dorothy: I'll be honest. Right now, Squeaky Fromme has a better grasp on reality.

Rose: [seeing Vincenzo's elderly working crew] Who are all these old men?
Dorothy: The Osmond Brothers, Rose. The years without Donny have not been kind to them.

Rose: [to Baby] There you are; you get into the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pig fanny!
Sophia: All right, I'm going, I'm going... oh sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner in the home.

Rose: [to her dance partner] You know, this reminds me of the big dance back in St. Olaf to kick off Pretzel Week. My Uncle Gunther, after the Great Beernut Shortage of '29---
Dorothy: Foul! Foul! Send a judge over here! [pointing at Rose] This woman is trying to put us to sleep!

Rose: [walks up to Blanche holding newspaper] Blanche, it's YOU!
Blanche: Oh, you're gettin' so good at that, Rose. [points at Dorothy] Now who's that over there?

Rose: Are you nervous because you haven't met Michael's fiancee?
Dorothy: No Rose, I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets elected mayor of Palm Springs, he's going to make all the postmen wear leather bell-bottoms and a fur vest.

Rose: Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow, I've never met a real author before.
Blanche: I have. I once stood in line two hours at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!
Dorothy: You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time, it's usually Faulker, Fitzgerald, and, uh...
Dorothy, Blanche: Schwarzenegger.
Rose: Did he sign your book?
Blanche: Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh.
Dorothy: He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Rose: Blanche, how much longer do I have to have this hot towel on my face?
Blanche: Now just be patient, Rose. When I tell you to remove this towel, you are going to see what a dramatic difference Blanche's Miracle Beauty Treatment has made already! Honey, you will be transformed into a totally new woman! Okay, ready? Now, one, two... THREE!
[Rose removes the towel from her face as Blanche holds up a mirror. Rose, unaware that Dorothy has come up behind her, sees Dorothy's face in the mirror.]
Rose: Oh my GOD, I look horrible! ... Oh- Dorothy, it's you! I...
Dorothy: I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry. I forgot it was a full moon.

Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Better than anyone I know...
Rose: What color is black people's dandruff?
Dorothy: Rose, black people don't have dandruff. God figures they've been through enough already.

Rose: Gee, what's my diary doing here? [picks it up from the table] Next to a pair of pliers?
Blanche: Rose, whatever it is you're thinking, it isn't true.
Rose: Good, then George Bush isn't married to his mother.

Rose: Girls, wait a minute! We're talking about the sacred institution of marriage here! Are you willing to sacrifice the happiness of these two kids for the almighty dollar?
Blanche, Dorothy, Sophia: Yes!
Rose: I just wanted to be sure we were in agreement.

Rose: Girls, you won't believe what happened to me this afternoon. I met Mr. Terrific!
Blanche: Rose, don't be so quick to judge. I thought I had met Mr. Terrific. Turned out there was also a Mrs. Terrific. I found myself ducking a Mr. Vase.