Blanche: Now Dorothy, if you're saying you can't get stimulating conversation around this house, I beg to differ.
Rose: [enters, reading a tabloid newspaper] I can't believe it. It says here that since Michael Jackson can't buy the Elephant Man, he's now put in a bid for the remains of the Big Bopper.
Blanche: Rose, you can't believe everything you read in that rag! It caters to people of the lowest intelligence.
Rose: Then why do you buy it?
Blanche: Because it's the only newspaper Elvis will talk to from beyond the grave!

Blanche: Rose tells us you're gettin' married.
Sven: Yes, and I hope I'm good at it. I don't have that much experience vith vomen.
Blanche: A big, strong, handsome thing like you? Get out of here!
Sven: Vell, it vas nice meeting all of you. [runs out front door]
Rose: [following Sven] It was an expression, Sven!
Blanche: [to Dorothy] You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think Rose got the brains in that family.

Blanche: Rose! It is 2 AM! What are you still doing up?
Rose: Well I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd get up and make a batch of Sparhuven Krispies. It's an ancient Scandinavian midnight snack.
Dorothy: I guess after a night of pillaging and raping, a Viking wants a little something to go with his cocoa.
Blanche: Well they smell God awful!
Rose: Yeah just when you're about ready to throw up from the stench, that's when they're done. Who wants some?
Dorothy: [commenting on the smell of Rose's snacks] Rose, if these had been offered to the Donner Party, they still would've eaten each other!
Rose: Don't be silly Dorothy. They're delicious. You just have to know how to eat them. You hold your nose with one hand [holding nose] and you pop a krispie in your mouth with the other. Mmm! That tastes like cheesecake, fresh strawberries, and chocolate ice cream.
Blanche: [tries one] My gosh, you're right. That is the best thing I have ever tasted!
Dorothy: [eating a krispie] This is delicious!
Sophia enters kitchen Hey, give me a break. You can't smell that from the hall!

Blanche: Rose, honey, would you pass me the tuffie.
Rose: With pleasure, Blanche.
Blanche: Thank you, Rose.
Rose: You're more than welcome, Blanche. You can always count on me to hand you the tuffie.
Blanche: I know, that's why I always ask you.
Dorothy: You know, I think I saw Jack and Janet give Chrissy this treatment on an episode of Three's Company.
Blanche: Oh, at last a reference from Dorothy that even we illiterates can understand.
Rose: I guess her well of knowledge has run dry. That's a metaphor Dorothy.

Blanche: Rose, see, honey, Fernando doesn't exactly belong to you anymore. Well I kinda gave him to Daisy by mistake. So, you understand now-just a silly misunderstanding! See? [everyone except Rose is laughing nervously]
Rose: No. Get him back. I want my teddy!
Blanche: But honey, she's a child! You can't expect a child to give back a toy! Now, you do understand, don't you?
Rose: Just cut the crap and get back the damn bear!

Blanche: Rose, what was your first impression of me?
Rose: I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut... I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.

Blanche: She's not a sweet kid anymore. She is holding Fernando for ransom!
Dorothy: Come on....
Blanche: Dorothy, she sent me one of his ears!!!

Blanche: So that's when this saleman from men's sportswear walks clear across the store into ladies' petite and says, "Oh excuse me, miss, but I noticed you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backless. Well, personally I'd like to see you in the backless." And I said, "When?" And he said, "How about Saturday night?" And I said, "How about in your dreams, sleazo!" Can you believe the nerve of that guy?
Rose: What were you doing in ladies petite?

Blanche: Sophia, honey, the key is to make a man think you're not interested in him! Offering to make him dinner just made you look too easy.
Sophia: Please, black underwear and pasties couldn't make me look easy.

Blanche: Still worried about the money you owe the government?
Dorothy: Oh no, Blanche, I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson will be able to buy the remains of the Elephant Man.
Rose: Really? Gee, I'd be worried about the money.

Blanche: Well then everything was just a misunderstanding, and Norman really did dump me for a fat woman!
Sophia: No kidding, fatter than you?

Blanche: Well, Barbara, Dorothy tells us you're an author.
Barbara: No, I'm just a writer. Malamud's an author.
Rose: I thought Malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallows in them.
Dorothy: Those are Malomars, Rose.

Blanche: Well, I was, but as it turned out nothing fit me.
Dorothy: What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.
Blanche: That is not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.
Sophia: Of course it does! That's why you have to cover it with a dress

Blanche: What do you think?
Rose: There's something about her I don't like.
Blanche: Me too.
Rose: I find her hard to talk to.
Blanche: Me too.
Rose: She thinks I'm dumb.
Blanche: Me too.

Blanche: What if you were giving a eulogy for me, Dorothy? What would you say?
Dorothy: Well... I think I'd say that you were a kind, generous and loving person, and one of the best friends I've ever had.
Blanche: Nothing about my looks?
Dorothy: Okay, I'd say you were one of the prettiest friends I've ever had.
Blanche: Only "one of"?
Dorothy: The, Blanche! The prettiest. ... What would you say about me?
Blanche: Dorothy...
Dorothy: I told you, you can tell me.
Blanche: Well, I think I'd say that... I always felt safe having you in the house. And I'd say that I always enjoyed talking to you when I came home from one of my numerous dates. And I'd say that I always looked up to you, like an older sister.
Dorothy: Thank you, Blanche. Oh, and I forgot one thing: I would also say you're fat.